Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Weekly Chan

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Quote for the Day

"If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!"
--Malott... working a 12-hour shift December 25th, 2010

Oh.... OK.... Merry Christmas


Friday, December 24, 2010

Lisa Murkowski Goes Rogue

Alaskan Senator Lisa Murkowski, shown here without make-up, is being called "The New Maverick" by Politico.

Murkowski is already showing a fierce independent streak, becoming the only Republican to cast votes on all four items on President Barack Obama’s wish list: a repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” a tax-cut compromise, the START deal and cloture for the DREAM Act.

As we have learned, Maverick is a term used by the Left to describe Rinos (Republicans in name only), who vote with Democrats, stab voters in the back, and will one day burn in Hell.
Murkowski recently was re-elected to the Senate as a write-in candidate due to the fact that Alaskans are fiercely independent and stupid.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Coldest December Since Record-Keeping Began

Swathes of Britain skidded to a halt today as the big freeze returned - grounding flights, closing rail links and leaving traffic at a standstill.

The Arctic conditions are set to last through the Christmas and New Year bank holidays and beyond and as temperatures plummeted to -10c (14f) the Met Office said this December was ‘almost certain’ to become the coldest since records began in 1910.

Has anyone seen Al Gore lately? Is he somewhere getting a massage? He's made his billion... Is he leaving the noble and unselfish world of public service now?

Except for gullible college students and the Left, people are no longer buying the global warming lie... So I'm left wondering what environmentalists have planned for us next... You know they're planning...


Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Bri-gay-de

So the "Don't Ass, Don't Tell" policy has given way to the possibility that gays may soon openly serve in the U.S. Military.

Throughout our nation's history gays have enlisted in the Military - it's where the boys are - and many have served heroically and with distinction. I guess for detractors it's a question of whether open gayness will have a deleterious effect upon morale.

I was thinking that maybe gay military guys could sign up for their own specialized gay units... Wouldn't they prefer that anyway? Why not let them design their own uniforms and accessorize as they see fit? Who knows, maybe gay units might specialize in attacking from the rear. And you know their food would be great... And they would have the cleanest barracks in the history of warfare.

I'm just afraid the fruits of this new policy may be cultural engineering and the politicizing of the military... Which is not what the military is for. It will be interesting to see if any gay recruits use the policy to test the limits of military discipline, and then lawyer-up when things don't go well. Will there be charges that gays are not promoted fairly?

I hope all that doesn't happen. I'm very pro-soldier, and I'm sure the vast majority of "guy soldiers who prefer guys" want to serve their country with honor, and would never want their personal lives to compromise the effectiveness and morale of their units. Don't Ass, Don't Tell seemed like an effective way to facilitate that. I fear that overturning it only facilitates axe grinding.

It's ask?


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Santa Claus Found Dead

North Pole (AP) --According to sources close to the Claus family, Santa Nicholas Claus was found dead Thursday morning of what appeared to be a massive heart attack. An autopsy is scheduled for Friday afternoon in Fairbanks, Alaska.

While the death was unexpected, rumors of binge drinking and heavy pipe smoking had filtered out of the closely knit North Pole community for the better part of 2010. "We all could see his weight was up significantly and that he was growing despondent," said publicist Digger, the elf. "He hasn't been the same since the reindeer died of lungworm disease in the fall of 2009. And then last spring when Mrs. Claus ran off with Patch, the lead elf, Santa sort of kept to himself. It's just been a very sad year for the entire crew."

Due to the proximity of the Christmas Holiday, the United States Federal Government has pledged to deliver Santa's gifts to girls and boys across America. Parents can expect the gifts to arrive via the U.S. Postal Service some time in late June.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Remaking True Grit

Now, you know... I've never been one to be critical. And casting Jeff Bridges as John Wayne and Matt Damon as Glen Campbell... They could have done worse. And I realize that the remakes of films such as The Buccaneer and My Favorite Wife were worth the effort. And goodness knows, the western genre is lately missing in theaters...

But there are classics that you just don't mess with. And when a beloved actor's lifetime of work yields one academy award, you don't turn around and give the part to someone else to improve upon.


Sunday, December 05, 2010

Thursday, December 02, 2010

The Weekly Chan

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Happy Motoring

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Weekly Chan

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Quote for the Day

"The terrorists have won. The government of the United States cannot get confessed jihadist murderer Achmed Geylani convicted on any of the 224 murders he was charged with because they decided to shower young Achmed with all the protections of the civilian justice system... but the very same government of the United States has decreed that your private parts, and those of your children and your grandmother... and all 300 sets of American genitalia are up for grabs without any probable cause."
--Mark Steyn


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Body Cavity Searches

AP WASHINGTON--Under new stringent TSA regulations, body cavity searches will soon be employed at airports across the country to supplement full body scans and pat downs.

To lend support, head of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano volunteered to act as the subject in the training of countless TSA technicians in this new procedure. When asked how she fared in this role, she said, "It really wasn't that bad after the first couple hundred times. I just laid back and enjoyed it."

What have we come to?

The Weekly Chan

My interpretation: Being a member of organized religion in America is relatively easy, depending upon your social proclivities. Finding the Bride of Christ is a little harder.

I disagree with Chan... He sees the Christian life in very heroic terms... I'm just trying to maintain a relationship and become less of a spiritual coward.

We believers in America are rich. We love the Lord, but we also love the world. We try to find time to pray, but we never miss a Colts game, or our favorite trash-TV drama. We love the world... because when you're rich, the world is good!

And that's why it's easier for a camel to... Well, you know the quote.


Sunday, November 07, 2010

Trent Lott and The Stockholm Syndrome

Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott put it plainly: “We did not nominate our strongest candidates.”

Had Republicans run Castle in Delaware and establishment favorites Sue Lowden in Nevada and Jane Norton in Colorado, Lott said, Tuesday would have turned out different.

“With those three we would have won and been sitting at 50 [senators],” he observed.

Trent Lott's career was destroyed by the liberals in Congress and the media... And Trent is still trying to kiss and make up, saying anything to gain their approval. OK... Not exactly the Stockholm Syndrome, but the symmetry is there.

I'm really disappointed in some of the "Establishment Republicans." Mitch Daniels told The Hill, "Republicans fell short of winning control of the Senate because of some weak candidates. We didn't turn up the strongest candidates."

Tea Party Envy.

I'd like to explain something to Karl Rove, Mitch Daniels, Trent Lott, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Republican Castrati... If it wasn't for The Tea Party and their so-called weak candidates, the Dems would still be in control of both houses of Congress.

I think the Tea Party needs to replace Lindsay Graham, restrict Mitch Daniels to Indy indefinitely, and send Karl and Trent on a protracted vacation... Some place where they won't be able to find a camera or microphone.

Quote for the Day

"Most Christian parents don't want godly children... They want good children."
--Irwin Lutzer


Saturday, November 06, 2010

MSNBC's Ethics

(CNN) - Keith Olbermann, MSNBC's primetime firebrand host, has been suspended indefinitely for violating the ethics policies of his employer earlier this year when he donated to three Democrats seeking federal office, MSNBC announced Friday.

I'm sorry, but if MSNBC had ethics, they wouldn't have a show that was hosted by Keith Olbermann. Their election coverage would be hosted by news reporters... Not leftwing pundits.

I always figured that MSNBC's ethical restrictions only kicked-in at about the same level of nefariousness as armed robbery and murder.


Friday, November 05, 2010

Harry and Nancy and Bamar (oh my!)

The tea party is alive and well for another two years. The usual suspects are sticking around to inspire us to further glory and new heights. Yes, even after the kick in the teeth they endured on election day, they are as clueless as ever, and ready to entertain.

So in two years when another third of the Senate (including both Dems and RINOs) and the White House are up for grabs... The same three-headed serpent that insured our successes last Tuesday, will be representing the minions of Hell once more.


Wednesday, November 03, 2010

We The Courts...

Three Iowa Supreme Court justices lost their seats Tuesday in a historic upset fueled by their 2009 decision that allowed same-sex couples to marry.

"It appears we're headed for a resounding victory tonight and a historic moment in the state of Iowa," said Bob Vander Plaats, the Sioux City businessman who led a campaign to remove the justices because of the 2009 gay marriage ruling. "The people of Iowa stood up in record numbers and sent a message ... that it is 'We the people,' not 'We the courts.' "

This is how life should always be.

Election Snippets

1) Nevada: The bad news... America is saddled with Harry Reid. The good news... The Dems and Obama are saddled with Harry Reid.

2) California: This state rejected legal marijuana, and yet voted as if everyone was stoned. The state is heading toward the abyss and the majority is heavily in denial.

3a) Florida: Charlie Crist makes my skin crawl. There is no bigger weasel in American politics... Good riddance.

3b) Florida: The biggest story from last night may prove to be that Marco Rubio stepped onto the national stage.

4) Sarah Palin moves the American voter.

5) Illinois: The Obama seat goes GOP.

6) Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania... The blue fades...

7) Indiana gets back its dignity.

8) The bad news... Dems keep the senate. The good news... Obama can't blame Congress and the tea party will remain viable.

9) Governors and State Legislatures: Last night the road got a little easier for future Republican hopefuls.

10: South Dakota: Kristi Noem is a Republican Hottie!


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Weekly Chan

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Quote of the Day

“Faithful Christians better be ready to become unpopular… Christians will find themselves demonized as intolerant, which is our cultures worst term of abuse…. Christians have endured martyrdom but can they endure unpopularity?”
--Gene Edward Vieth


Saturday, October 09, 2010

Mixed Feelings about California

I've been watching the Meg and Jerry show for some time now, and though I know Meg is more of a fiscal conservative - she would just about have to be - and would be better for California, I think it may be time to let the asylum run its course and fall to pieces as an example to the rest of the country. At present the most Meg Whitman can do is slow the bleeding... But the patient will remain terminal and in denial. Let's face it... The majority of Californians are absolute idiots, and they deserve the mire into which they've fallen. Jerry Brown, who represents more of the same in California, is even in the polls... Case closed.

I sort of feel the same way about the coming congressional elections. If the Republicans gain control of one or both houses, they will be able to do just enough to slightly improve the economy... and Obama will be re-elected. And, the senate will be composed of the same RINO's that want to get along... The Republicans will share the economy with the President and the Tea Party may lose the Independents... And probaby stall.

I believe modest gains would be the best thing for the cause of conservatism and smaller government... and facilitate the removal of more RINO's and President O in 2012.


Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Montage

TED BRASSFIELD: (Monday) I was really inspired by you and by your campaign and the message that you brought. And that inspiration is dying away. I really want to know, is the American dream dead for me?

OBAMA: (June 3, 2008, St. Paul, MN) This was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal! (cheers)

VELMA HART: (Monday) I'm one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for. I've been told that I voted for a man who said he was going to change things in a meaningful way for the middle class. I'm one of those people. And I'm waiting, sir. I'm waiting. I don't feel it yet.

OBAMA: (Feb. 5, 2008, Chicago, IL) Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

WALT ROWAN: (Monday) You're losing the war of sound bites. You're losing the media cycles.

OBAMA LEADING FOLLOWERS: (Feb. 5, 2008, Chicago, IL) Yes, we can! Yes, we can!



"I am a chief financial officer for a veteran's service organization here in Washington. I'm also a mother, a wife, an American veteran, and I'm one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for. I've been told that I voted for a man who said he was going to change things in a meaningful way for the middle class. I'm one of those people. And I'm waiting, sir. I'm waiting. I don't feel it yet. And I thought while it wouldn't be in great measure, I thought I would feel it in some small measure. I have two children in private school and the financial recession has taken an enormous toll on my family. My husband and I have joked for years that we were well beyond the hot dog and beans era of our lives and quite frankly it has started to knock on our door and ring true that it might be where we're headed again. And quite frankly Mr President I need you to answer this honestly - Is this my new reality?"
-- Velma Hart

Here is a smart, educated woman with a good job and a pension, and she has been told all her life that if the right people were in control in Washington, then we would all prosper because the money would be spread around equally.

But her savior, his political party, and their union supporters have made the cost of hiring and doing business to increase to the point that we are all becoming poorer, as unemployment rises and our indebtedness skyrockets.

I doubt that Mrs Hart has learned anything. There will always be someone to blame other than the socialism that Mr Obama has so expertly ushered in.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Rush Limbaugh's "Top Ten Republican Moderate Moments"

#10 Newt Gingrich doing a Public Service Announcement on global warming with Nancy Pelosi in 2008.

#9 Bush-Quayle '92.

#8 Dole-Kemp '96.

#7 Ford-Dole '76.

#6 Jumpin' Jim Jeffords jumps from the Republican Party.

#5 Arlen Specter switches parties.

#4 Richard Nixon resigns in disgrace.

#3 Dede Scozzafava endorses the Democrat, Owens, in New York 23.

#2 The McCain campaign of 2008.

#1 Colin Powell endorses Barack Obama, the Democrat, for president in 2008.

I love lists! And this is a great one!


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

We'll Always Have Paris...
And Probably Lindsay, Too

Recently I watched The Parent Trap for about the 25th time (Yes, I know... Probably "Low T.") and again I was left wondering how such a cute and talented little girl could grow into such a train wreck.

A guy I used to work with told me he'd seen a video of Paris Hilton demonstrating that she is also talented... but not in a way that would get her a job teaching Sunday School.

Across this country there are countless young, female role models that demonstrate talent, hard work, and character - every day. It's a sad and stinging indictment that our culture celebrates and gives face-time to the reprobates.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Quote for the Day

"Persecution wiped out theological liberalism in China."
-- Bishop Deing of China


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Karl and the Country Club Republicans

So it's Sunday and I'm still digesting the fact that on Tuesday and Wednesday nights I heard Karl Rove rip the winner of the Delaware Senate Republican Primary, Christine O'Donnell. With his comments, Rove did more for O'Donnell's Democrat opponent than he could do for himself.

I suspect that Karl thinks of himself as being very, very important. He and other blue-blood Republicans seem to have a certain disdain for any fellow Party member who wouldn't fit in at a Washington cocktail party. I guess those Republicans - unsophisticated and unwashed - are supposed to sit down, be quiet, and marvel at Rove's, Bill O'Reilly's, and Charles Krauthammer's cummulative genius.

I see it this way... I'd rather see the Senate controlled by Democrats than a Republican Majority consisting of Liberals with an R beside their name. It's the so-called moderate, Country Club Republicans that make the public believe there is no difference between the two Parties.

So maybe Karl and his buds should get behind the Tea Party candidates... or sit down and shut up.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Ego of an Elitist

The problem with a career politician is that their career is not service to country, but rather... A career. They come to measure success wholly in terms of winning elections. Their values are for sale... Their beliefs are driven this way and that by polls.

These political whores are easy to spot this year... Especially among the establishment Republicans. In Florida, Charlie Crist's soul is for sale to the highest bidder, to anyone or any idea that might help him get elected. In Alaska, Lisa Murkowski is not governed by party loyalty or values... or even primary results. She is now a write-in candidate, because in her mind the election is all about... Lisa Murkowski.

Even John McCain was born-again a conservative this year... once he found himself in a primary fight with a candidate who actually was... A conservative... I mean, all the time!

It continues to be an interesting year. Republican elitists like O'Reilly, Crist, Rove, Murkowski, McCain, Krauthammer, and Castle are twisting and squirming over the electorate's total disregard for their sage counsel. This year is different. Politics as usual is unacceptable... Whether it's coming from the Democrats... or the Republicans.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A More Civil Civil War

Is it my wishful thinking, or is there a growing number of people in our country who are looking to be free of Washington DC and the big-government, big-spending, big-brother mentality that is so pervasive in its machinations? Is there among us a growing plurality wondering if anything is being accomplished in that crime-infested little plot of acreage that actually improves the lives of those living outside the beltway... The very individuals who create the wealth that keeps the D.C. Aristocracy funded? Or is Washington just in business to serve... Washington?

I'm not sure how widespread the Tea Party Movement has become, but you have to smile when you see ordinary citizens gathering to be educated on The United States Constitution... and on how Washington and its Judiciary are shredding it. It's makes me practically euphoric to see conservative, hard-working people get fed up and fired up enough to gather in a community center or parking lot to practice a little sedition. I'm reminded of Barry Fitgerald's character in The Quiet Man when he says, "Well it's a nice soft night, so I think I'll go and join me comrades and talk a little treason."

Traditionally, in America, the host on which the parasites feed, slumbers through the assault... But lately it has awakened to challenge the sponging of its hard-earned assets and the limiting of its freedoms. It's as if we're witnessing a new Civil War, one with more civility than our last one. The states, communities, and individuals aren't looking to secede this time... They just want their freedom back. They want the Federales to be limited... You know... Like it says in The Constitution.

I think it is all so very delicious!


Friday, September 10, 2010

The Indigenous Metaphor

I like the sound of this post's title. I have no idea what it means. Sometimes I come up with a title, and the post... simply... writes... itself. This is not one of those times.

So instead, let's take a moment and talk about automatic-flush toilets... Shall we?

Recently while training in a blood bank in Indy, I felt a fullness in my abdomen and knew that I needed to excuse myself. I went to the restroom, sat down, and about ten seconds later I felt much better. Tending next to the paperwork, I leaned to my left, being right-handed, and the toilet flushed. I gathered more TP, leaned to my left again, and toilet flushed. I then spent several minutes experimenting, leaning this way and that, and each time the toilet flushed.

This was no longer about personal hygiene. It was just... personal.

I am a responsible person. If I use the restroom, I can be trusted to flush the toity. If I use it standing, I always clean the rim with toilet paper if anything has dripped there. I'm a polite man. I'm a conscientious man. I don't need some smart alec toilet thinking for me... Assuming I'm irresponsible... Laughing at me behind my back... Probably making remarks...

Automatic flush toilets are a metaphor for our culture's struggle in dealing with the loss of personal responsibility. Such devices are surely indigenous only to this country.

Yes, I know. But it was a great title... And this was the best I could do.


Monday, September 06, 2010

Character Flaw for September

As a public service, and in an effort to make others feel better about themselves, each month a staffer at Malott's Blog confesses to a character flaw. We hope this helps to build build self-esteem in a world of imperfect people.

Staffer for September: Malott
Malott's Confession:

I Steal Condiments

And here's why: I'm a bachelor and it makes no sense for me to buy a big container of sugar, mustard, ketchup, or parmesian cheese. Those little packets at the restaurant and at work are complimentary... And I have never been so rude as to refuse a free gift.

So when I make French Toast once per year, I get out about ten little packages of maple syrup... When I take a ham sandwich to work, I include a little packet of Kraft Mayo in my lunch bag.

Do I buy taco sauce or Bar-B-Q sauce after visiting Taco Bell and Arby's... And stuffing my pockets with complimentary gifts? Nope!

Oh sure, I could buy relish to put in my potato salad, but why not just tear open 40 or 50 of those little packets?

The entire staff at Malott's Blog hopes this confession has eased your nagging conscience and made you feel better about yourself.

Next Month: Malott instructs readers on the correct way to hide a roll of toilet paper under their shirts.


Saturday, September 04, 2010

Notre Dame Wins!

A program full of certifiable student athletes, that has a great graduation rate, won today.

I love it!


Friday, September 03, 2010

Quote for the Day

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
-- C. S. Lewis

Racial Profiling in America

Yes, it's sad but true. Without any evidence, and even before the immigration law is put into play, the United States Federal Government is suing the State of Arizona... Racially profiling white law enforcement officials as being dishonest and incapable of fairly applying the law. Why? Because they are white.

As a white man I am racially profiled in the mainstream media every day. Many things are assumed of me, simply based upon the color of my skin. It's assumed that I am guilty of bigotry, hatred... and that I have a selfish disregard for my fellow man.

I can't help the way I look. God made me this way. But I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal... So let freedom ring from every village and every hamlet... Let us look forward to that day when all God's children, greasy Italian-Americans, drunken Irish-Americans, stupid Swedish Immigrants, and all us other white guys will join hands and sing... Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Muslim Update for September

As you may know, the entire staff at Malott's Blog have two major passions in life... A sincere and unapologetic appreciation for all things Obama... And an unbridled affection for unassimilated Muslim-Americans. It's just who we are.

With this in mind, Malott's Blog is in the process of contacting key congressional players in Washington with the following proposal...

In the name of tolerance, and in order to demonstrate our trust and confidence in the Muslim-American communities across America, the Treasury Department should immediately begin enlisting young Muslim males from the mosques in Flint Michigan to form an all-Muslim Secret Service detail to protect President Obama.

It just makes sense.

Yes, it's time for those of us who preach tolerance to place our own butts on the line... And what bigger butt can be placed on that line than President Obama's?

I don't know about you, but those of us at Malott's Blog are ready to build some bridges!


Monday, August 23, 2010


I still get an occasional email and picture from my college girlfriend who still refuses to be my Facebook friend. Isn't she lovely? She is three years my younger, but looks about twenty years younger... Which is why she occasionally sends me a picture... Lest I forget. She and her husband are about to become footloose and carefree empty-nesters, as their youngest heads for college. I'm so freaking happy for them.

Anyway, I was wondering how far I would have to drive to have my picture taken with a background like this. There aren't many ocean wharfs in my neighborhood... Corn fields? No problem.

Mountains might be nice.

Malott Has Gout

And oh! ... How he has suffered.

So I'm not eating meat, I'm drinking cherry juice, I've finished a round of Prednisone... And this thorn in my flesh is still stealing my abilities to lead a life of pleasure and general fulfillment.

I've also given up drinking red wine on spaghetti night... spaghetti night here defined as an evening when I drink red wine (as did our Savior), and at some point I either eat spaghetti or get sleepy and go to bed. Some conservative Christians might argue that gout is the Lord's way of persuading me to give up the concept of spaghetti night. If so, it worked.

So there it is.

Anyway, if my faithful readers have any home cures for gout, I would welcome their sage council. My current plan is prayer and fasting... If I don't eat... and I pray (and cut out every comfort in my already Spartan and joyless existence...) Surely healing is in the offing. Don't you think? Surely!


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

From Ann Coulter

"Cristobal Silverio came illegally from Oxtotilan, Mexico, in 1997 and brought his wife Felipa, plus three children aged 19, 12 and 8. Felipa ... gave birth to a new daughter, her anchor baby, named Flor. Flor was premature, spent three months in the neonatal incubator, and cost San Joaquin Hospital more than $300,000. Meanwhile, (Felipa's 19-year-old daughter) Lourdes plus her illegal alien husband produced their own anchor baby, Esmeralda. Grandma Felipa created a second anchor baby, Cristian. ... The two Silverio anchor babies generate $1,000 per month in public welfare funding. Flor gets $600 per month for asthma. Healthy Cristian gets $400. Cristobal and Felipa last year earned $18,000 picking fruit. Flor and Cristian were paid $12,000 for being anchor babies."

In the Silverio's munificent new hometown of Stockton, California, 70% of the 2300 babies born in 2003 in San Joaquin General Hospital were anchor babies. As of this month, Stockton is $23 million in the hole.

This problem may take care of itself once the Obama Administration and the Democrat Congress makes us poorer than Mexico.


Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Death is Not Dying

When you have time to watch something that will touch you... Watch this...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

We Must Stop the Black Man and his Liberal Friends from Stealing our Elections

Oh!... And we must not be afraid to vote white! (Whatever that means.)

Below is a video of Charles Sherrod, Sainte Shirley Sherrod's husband, speaking somewhere back in January. It's true that black liberals hate white conservatives, or racists as we say in Greentown, but I think they hate "Uncle Toms" even more... Though I can't be sure. Uncle Toms are blacks who are conservatives, and don't vote Black. (Whatever that means.)

Anyway, the title of this post is an example of racism. The following quote is not:

"We must stop the white man and his Uncle Toms from stealing our elections"
--Charles Sherrod, January 2010

So let the name-calling continue, and Malott's Blog will be here to sort it all out.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Racist... The New Communist?

or... Hating the People Who Disagree with You...

I do not hate people who disagree with me politically. Hating is always ugly, and often involves affixing labels to them like homophobe, xenophobe, communist, radical, racist... etc. The truth is, sometimes people honestly disagree on political and social issues.

When I was younger, people would often call left-leaning individuals a "communist." They would place McGovern, Mao, Humphrey, Stalin, Ho Chi Minh, and politicians like Obama in the same category. Unfair? Absolutely!

But through the years the American citizen heard so many charges of "communist," that eventually the charge became a kind of joke.

I believe that today the charge of racism... calling someone a racist, has taken on a similar frivolous air.

The once influential NAACP has charged the constitution-respecting "tea partiers" with racism because they disagree politically with an African-American president. But there is no evidence of racism in the tea party movement. The Left cries "Wolf" when honest and good people grow weary of left-wing failure, and peacefully protest against the perpetrators.

Bigots and haters of all political stripes wield a critical sword, but eventually time and experience expose them... And the charge of "racist" has fallen into the same silly category as the once dreaded, and once effective, charge of "communist."


Monday, July 12, 2010

My Backyard

I love my backyard. This thing hangs near the foot of my hammock, and the only thing that disturbs my reading is when two little buddies of mine come to visit it.

I have two of these... I don't know what they are, but I have to mow around them. On the left in the first picture is the green pole of my clothes line, where at least once per year I hang my bedsheets to dry in the wind... makes them smell so good.

Below are some onions I recently harvested. They will dry for a few days and then be stored in my garage.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Racism Test

Do you like him better now?


Then you're not a racist!

This picture and question has been making its rounds on the internet... Had to post it!


Thursday, July 01, 2010

Garden Pictures
My greens are all gone, but my tomatoes, green beans, and corn are doing quite well. I have tomato plants that are waist high, and late tomato plants that are two inches tall.

I know... I need to get down on my knees and pull weeds from around my corn... But weeding is such a lonely business.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Malott Quits Job

The entire staff at Malott's Blog wishes to publicly express its concern that our fearless, and somewhat eccentric leader, has inexplicably resigned his job of thirty-one years to pursue a similar job that is farther from home and will provide less take-home pay. He will be working only three days per week and will be assigned odd hours. The only advantages we can thus far determine is that he will have a much lighter work load and less responsibilities.

To our inquiries Malott only replies, "I can do three days standing on my head." We're not sure what that means.

Malott has assured us that our current pay and staffing will not be affected.

Our major concern is that the tasteful standards and pristine reputation that the Blog has earned through the years might be compromised if Malott's mental capacities and personal habits continue to erode. We have noticed that he bathes less, goes longer between haircuts, and has taken to pacing about his home while whispering, "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Malott does not own a cat, and has never demonstrated an appreciation for cats.

Thus, our concern.

Oh sure, Malott has always inter-personally danced with two left feet, but his insight and judgement have historically been keen and beyond reproach. We suggested to Mr. Malott that this employment move might be the product of a midlife crisis, but he responded that it was rather a "midwife" crisis. We're not sure what that means, either.

The entire staff at Malott's Blog would like to take this opportunity to assure our faithful readers that our desire is to continue our mission of providing political and cultural insights today, tomorrow, and well into the future.

As for Mr. Malott... We'll watch him. And when the time comes, we'll do our best to fulfill his latest final request to be stuffed and mounted in the corporate lobby.

Thank you.


Cat Character Moment

I believe this picture and caption have much to teach to us all concerning the miserable character of cats. Cats are not our friends.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Tar Baby
The more he struggles with the oil spill, the more he gets stuck. Poor Br'er Obama.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Little Yellow Flowers

These little yellow flowers come back up every year without me having to plant seeds. These perennials, as we say in Greentown, are pretty much maintenance free.

This is how they look from my upstairs bedroom window. Not much happens in my bedroom, so it's nice to have something to look at outside.

So if you want to have some outside your bedroom window, too... Go to the nursery and ask for little yellow flowers that come back up every year without having to plant seeds. I'm sure this is what they will give you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Eye Upon the Sparrow

This afternoon I put my truck in my garage for the night, and somehow three sparrows got trapped in my garage. I opened the door, but they couldn't seem to figure out how to fly out. Every time they tried, they flew high and found themselves trapped above the raised garage door. So I chased them around with a broom until they flew out... I thought all three were out.

About an hour later, I went into my garage to get a can of pork and beans, and I saw the third little guy sitting up in the corner. I said, "You're too stupid to live, so go ahead and die."

I came back inside and tried to forget about him. But I thought about my own life, my own stupidity, and my spiritual failures. I remembered that "He knows when a sparrow falls." And I thought of the old hymn that goes, "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

So, I raised the garage door and started chasing my guest. But no matter what I did, he was just too stupid to fly into the light and be free. I finally had him cornered, and I picked him up in my hands, and carried him outside, and set him free.

I know God was watching.

So I will pray for the same mercy. I will pray for my friends and their sons. I will pray for their marriages and their worldly ways. I will pray that in spite of our stupidity... The Lord will step into the middle of our sin... Pick us up in His hands... And save us all.


Saturday, June 12, 2010


Pronounced "lavender," this good smelling herb was first used as an underarm deodorant in medieval Europe. It's leaves are known to have been rubbed into the armpits of Queen Elizabeth I, until she developed a rash.

I love the way this stuff smells. Some mornings before work, I go out and roll in it. The women at work love it!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Vast Longabooger Collection

Pictured here is my complete collection of Longarbooger products. I bought this for my mom, but she isn't well enough to make pies anymore, so she gave it back to me. I recently made my parents a rhubarb pie from scratch... The ugliest thing you ever saw... But it tasted great! I'm just not good at rolling out the dough and keeping it in one piece as I make the pie.

Have you noticed that the Longuburger Sales Ladies are totally hot? I've always wanted to buy the picnic basket, but I think it costs like 900 dollars... So I've been putting it off.

Yes, Longerberger is a high priority in my sophisticated lifestyle... It's a way of life for me... I'd have it no other way.


Uh... No... ... ... I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Favorite Movie Quote for Sunday

"She's Dead! Quick! Someone get a doctor!"
Strangers on a Train, 1951


Saturday, June 05, 2010

Young Love
The heavenly touch of your embrace tells me no one could take your place...
Young love, first love, we share with deep

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Gores Kiss-Off Marriage

(Well you knew I'd have to say something.)

First of all I'm moved to say that whenever a marriage fails it is a terrible tragedy that diminishes us all, and blah, blah, blah.

But it's not as if this particular incidence is happening to nice people. This is a man who flipped his deeply held opinion on abortion in order to run for national office. At the '96 Democrat Convention Al attacked Big Tobacco by giving a moving and emotional speech about his sister who died of lung cancer... but to secure votes he told tobacco workers, "I've raised tobacco. I've shredded it, spiked it, and sold it." Gore has been involved in illegal fund raising at a Buddhist Temple and phone calls from his office. Al claimed he invented the internet and that he and Tipper were the inspiration for Erich Segal's Love Story.

I remember when we cheered Tipper for suggesting warning labels should be applied to violent and drug oriented rock albums. But when you consider that she is a big fan of The Grateful Dead - she once played bongos with the remnant band - You have to wonder if her crusade was anything more than a political play.

And of course... The Gores have parlayed their pre-2000 election fortune of one million dollars into approximately 100 million dollars by crusading against global warming on a planet that isn't warming.

So it isn't as if Ruth and Billy Graham had decided to call it quits.

We've been told that there is no "affair" involved... Fine! But might I suggest that rich people who never see each other don't split up just so they can seek a life of celibacy.
And although divorce is always a sad thing, let me deliver the silver lining: This split suggests that Al Gore will never run for public office again.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Blooming Peas

The only bad thing about blooming peas, is that sooner or later you have to pick them... Which is a miserable job.

I hope you can see the white blooms. I planted a double row which maximizes space and output. The only problem is that sometimes mother rabbits will make a burrow between the rows. Three years ago when my peas were spent I mowed down a double row and killed a couple rabbits. I took no joy in that... Because it wasn't good for my mower.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Why My Life is Better Than Yours
Reason #6

Today I've been picking, washing, and blanching spinach and kale. Soon these freezer bags will be in my freezer patiently awaiting this winter's tuna casserole and macaroni and cheese dinners.

Before my greens are done, I hope to have at least 40 bags in the freezer.

I hope this brief look at my fabulous existence has brought a moment of sunlight to your dark little world. I hope it adds a scintilla of wonder to your pointless life.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Flowering Sage

Most people are intimidated by my vegetable gardening skills, and who can really blame them. But it is a lesser known fact that I also grow herbs around my patio. (Does he really? Oh yes, yes he does!) Some times when I lie reading in my hammock, and the wind is just right, I get a whiff of my herbs... Yet another reason why my life is better than yours.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I Will Garden in Heaven

I'm pretty sure gardening will be one of my jobs. There probably won't be any weeds to pull, but I kind of hope that there are... One of my favorite things to do in the summer is to sit on my little garden seat with wheels and pull weeds in the sunshine while I catch up on my podcast sermons. My garden is like a good friend... I love her and enjoy taking care of her... I love trying to make her the best she can be... I'm proud that she's mine. She sometimes disappoints, but she gives me so much enjoyment. She is worth the trouble. When I'm not with her, she is still on my mind. I know she needs me.

I've already harvested collards, kale, and spinach. You can see in the picture some of my tomato plants still in milk carton cut-outs, although most are out of view. Tomorrow I may make wilted lettuce with my leaf lettuce and green onions. My peas will be blooming soon. I'll be planting corn and green beans this weekend.

I love my spring garden. My life is pretty good.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Greece is the Word

As the President and Congress pledge to protect taxpayers from bailing out Wall Street firms, U.S. taxpayer monies are being used to bailout the terrible fiscal decisions of Greece.

That's very nice of us to help prop up an irresponsible socialist state, but I thought we were broke. I thought I heard that our deficits are at an all time high, and that we are borrowing money to pay for our own irresponsible socialist spending.

Margaret Thatcher once said, "The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money to spend."

Capitalism and free markets made us such a wealthy nation. Socialism has made us debtors. Politicians and unions have made promises we can't afford to keep. The United States is Greece-Light at the moment, but I believe that soon our borrowing will end, and inflationary money-printing will begin.

My financial advice is this: If there is something you know you will need in the next 20 years, cash out your stocks, mutual funds, and savings, and buy it now while your money is still worth something. Buy gold, unless of course G. Gordon Liddy has already bought it all up.

Then, hunker down and pray for another Reagan-esque savior.

I hope this helped.

Quote for the Day

"Orrin Hatch and Lindsey Graham have announced that they're leaning toward voting for Kagan. This is what is wrong with our guys. You would never hear the Democrats say that about any of our nominees at this stage of the process."
--Rush Limbaugh


Saturday, May 08, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Malott Has Pneumonia

And bravely writes from his sickbed...

Yes, my friends, I have (cough... hack... spit...) pneumonia... But just in my left lower lobe. I didn't feel half as bad when I thought it was just a bad cold... But now that I know it's... Pneumonia!... I feel I may be near death's door.

The kicker is... I still have to go to work. There are two chemistry methods I have to calibrate... And besides, I'll get more pity there than in my lonely, cavernous dwelling.

If this should be my last entry, be it known to all that I did go bravely into that good night!

When I get to the gates of Heaven, will Jesus let me in? I think so.

But He'll probably come out and have a long talk with me first.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Quote for the Day

"There are three types of people in this world; those who know math, and those who don't."
--Author Unknown


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Have Truck, Will Travel

I've always been an adventurous soul. I'm a free spirit. My wanderlust knows no bounds. No Bounds, I tell you!

I just don't like to leave my home or be around people who aren't exactly like me.

But there comes a time in every man's life when he must throw caution to the wind, pull up stakes, and travel 50, maybe even 60 miles away from the safety of his home. Am I that bold? Yes... Yes I am!

I'm buying my GPS tomorrow... Then I'm gone, gone, gone...
Well... Maybe I'll just sit in my driveway for the first few days.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Peter Heck at Indianapolis Tea Party

Peter Heck gets invited regularly to speak at Tea Parties all over the state of Indiana. These are his remarks at an Indianapolis gathering on tax day.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Thirty-Four Years Ago...

When I was a senior at Milligan College some friends and I performed David Gates' "Clouds and Rain" from his solo album. I can't remember if this picture was taken during practice or the performance.

I don't think I sounded anything like the former lead singer of Bread, but we had a great time.
Frampton Comes Alive

The girls I went to college with LOVED this album.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Torturing the Unborn

OMAHA, Nebraska, April 13, 2010 ( - Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman signed into law today another landmark bill banning abortion after 20 weeks gestation, on the basis that an unborn child feels pain at that age. Just hours before, the Nebraska legislature had passed the legislation, the first of its kind in the United States. Pro-life advocates believe it could pose a direct and historic challenge to Roe v. Wade, the 1973 U.S. Supreme Court case that deprived the states the power to regulate or restrict abortion.

The “Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act” (LB 1103), authored by Speaker Mike Flood, was approved Tuesday in the Unicameral on the third and final reading of the bill, by an overwhelming pro-life majority of 44 in favor and 5 against. The governor wasted no time in signing the measure into law.

The pain may even be more acute than it would be for older humans, as some research indicates their immature nervous systems have not developed coping mechanisms that help the body better endure pain.

The law notes that unborn children have been observed to “seek to evade certain stimuli” in a manner that “would be interpreted as a response to pain.” Additionally, the bill says unborn children exhibit “hormonal stress responses to painful stimuli” that were reduced with the application of pain medication.

Abortionists who break the law would face a Class IV felony charge, which carries a penalty of a five year maximum prison sentence, $10,000 fine, or both. Women who obtain abortions of their unborn children would face no criminal penalties.

The law goes into operation on October 15, 2010.

While carefully reading the Constitution, the highest court in the land found a woman's right to abort. Maybe if they look even harder they'll find a woman's right to be a sadistic bitch.


Dreams of My Father Written by Bill Ayers?

The American Thinker has an article written by Jack Cashill which questions whether President Obama actually wrote what Time Magazine called "the best written memoir ever produced by an American politician."

Found it through Good reading.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Gift of Celibacy

I suppose there are books that chronicle and enumerate the gifts that God gives to his children. Some are gifted with the ability to parent, and parent very well. Some are given the gift of teaching or maybe the ability to encourage. Some are given the gift of preaching.

I was given the gift of celibacy. It's a nice gift, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it. In fact, I'm not really sure that this is the gift I wanted. But maybe, even with God, it's the thought that counts.

And as my life quickly passes through its last few years of potency, I sometimes consider my gift... Like maybe late on a Saturday night, and I feel deeply moved to lift my eyes to the Heavens and cry out in a loud voice...
Thanks a lot!


Sunday, April 04, 2010

I took this picture of my garden this morning after returning from the moors. Cathy had sent me on one of her ridiculous missions... "Fill my arms with heather!" she said. I returned with about a handfull, and little Miss Obsessive-Compulsive can just deal with it. I'd bet my best cravat that she's stopped taking her Zoloft.
Anyway, I like this picture and thought you might enjoy it.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Green Poo and Spring

Well it's unseasonably warm in Indiana, and I got out my 25-year-old Troy-Bilt tiller... it started right up... and tilled about a third of my garden (it tilled beautifully to a powder). I planted Green Ice leaf lettuce (for wilted lettuce), two varieties of spinach, kale (my favorite green), a double row of Little Marvel Peas, and a patch of Collard greens.

My fingernails are filthy and I'm in Heaven.

If you've read my blog much, you know that I am very humble and not one to brag... But I am a fantastic gardener. No... I'm the perfect gardener... Well... ... ... Yes, perfect.

I'm so excited... So very pleased with myself. I love my garden. I may sleep there tonight.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Kentucky "One and Dones" Are Done
Kentucky freshmen Eric Bledsoe, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins could all be one-and-done players.
“I don’t think it’s the best way to go about things right now, to force kids who have no interest in being in college, to come to college for a year,” Georgetown coach John Thompson III said.
Kentucky Coach John Calipari of UMass Scandal Fame... and Memphis Scandal Fame... has the reputation of being dirty. And he is also known for recruiting basketball players that have no interest in a college education... The One and Dones who play the required one year of college ball and then jump to the NBA.
Kentucky basketball has a history of scandal, so Calipari is a perfect fit.
Bob Knight said of Calipari, "You see we've got a coach at Kentucky who put two schools on probation and he's still coaching. I really don't understand that."
Well tonight John Calipari and his "One and Dones" lost in the NCAA tournament and missed what was thought to be a sure trip to the Final Four in Indianapolis.
Butler, a small university in Indianapolis graduates over 80% of its basketball players, and beat Kansas State today to make it to the Final Four. Kentucky graduates less than 40% of its players and is headed home to Lexington. Occasionally there is justice.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Oh Canada...
You Suck

I've given this a great deal of serious thought, and I believe that when Canadian college students threaten the safety of Ann Coulter, it's time to close our northern border. Oh sure, let the truck through that carries Marie Callendar's Creamy Mushroom Chicken Pot Pie, but all other traffic must be turned back. It's the sensible thing to do.

It's time to deport Alex Trebek, Donald Sutherland, Jim Carrey, and William Shattner.

And I'll have regular bacon on my Egg McMuffin, thank you!


Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I still like Sandra Bullock better... And when Sandra and this woman, like me, are 56 years old, Sandra will probably still look cute in a bikini... Like me.

You just don't see pictures of older women covered in tatoos... Probably because it's really a disgusting sight.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quote for the Day

"God loves us just the way we are, but he loves us too much to leave us there."
--Wayne Shepherd


Friday, March 19, 2010

Retread for March

Today I proudly revive the Anus illustrations of 2007.

The comments were much more entertaining than the posts.

Restless Butt Syndrome

It begins innocently enough with an annoying twitching of the gluteus maximus muscles, disturbing sleep and making sitting for long periods of time an uncomfortable experience. Then the rectal cramping begins with its sharp pains and anal convulsions, leaving the victim dazed and asking, "Why me?"

Restless Butt Syndrome effects 1 in 27 and has no cure. Its crippling symptoms change each life it touches as a once reliable anus becomes a cruel taskmaster, a rectal Grand Inquisitor of tortuous pain and humiliating gyrations.

Unlike its distant cousin - the ruse that healthy people employ for attention, Restless Leg Syndrome - the heartbreak of RBS signals the end of a carefree life, the end of confidence, as in the end the disease consummates its horrid devices.

Shown above: human anus (artist's conception)

But, there is hope. Researchers worldwide are looking for a cure - a magic bullet - perhaps a suppository - that in the end will evacuate this terrible malady from our midst.

Thank you.

Anus Illustrations #2 and #3

The Incredible Hulk


Anus Illustrations #4 and #5

Siamese Twins

Tight Pants
Anus Illustrations #6 and #7

The Morning after Chi Chi's

The truth about rectal cancer
Anus Illustrations #8 and #9

Shark Attack

Holding in a suppository
Anus Illustrations #10 and #11

The Boss


I think I'm done now.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Our Nominee for 2012

First of all, I won't be discussing Sam Brownback, Ron Paul, or any other candidate that simply has no chance of getting the nomination... At least for now. They may have better ideas or may be the best people, but my two main concerns are acceptability and electability. If their names appear here, they are acceptable to a conservative such as me. Their electability will be discussed and graded on a 5 star scale.

Newt Gingrich **
No one is more articulate or capable as a proponent of conservatism. But he is not terribly likable and has character issues concerning divorce and a sick wife.

Mike Huckabee *
Can't warm up to the guy that was instrumental in securing the 2008 nomination for John McCain. I believe he may get the nomination, but America will not elect a folksy former Baptist minister to the presidency.

Bobby Jindal *
I suspect this is one competent dude. But until I'm convinced he can give a speech, I don't think he is electable.

Sarah Palin **
I love Governor Palin. Anytime a backwoods mom with a mediocre education rises to be the nation's most popular governor, it's reason to stand up and cheer. But I am yet to be convinced that she can be elected president. She has time to change minds, but the Left did a great job destroying her, and if she had been a stronger candidate, they wouldn't have succeeded.

Mitt Romney **
This was "My Guy" in the 2008 primaries. But he is Mormon, which is a problem for some of the base. And besides, if you don't have the charisma to beat John McCain and thwart Mike Huckabee... Can you beat Barack Obama?

Tim Pawlenty ***
Who? Pawlenty is a very likable conservative who was elected governor of Minnesota, a very blue state. He is "awe shucks" Lincolnesque. I'm not convinced that he can separate himself from the Republican Pack, but he may be the least lampoonable candidate in a nation-wide election.

The landscape will change dramatically in the next twelve months and I hope to do this again regularly.

And the future?

Paul Ryan *****
Conservative, Catholic... Imagine a smart JFK with morals.

Marco Rubio *****
Just tell me where to send my check.

Eric Cantor ****
Don't know enough about him, but from what I've seen...


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Democrats Rule

After laying the groundwork for a decisive vote this week on the Senate's health-care bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested Monday that she might attempt to pass the measure without having members vote on it.

Instead, Pelosi (D-Calif.) would rely on a procedural sleight of hand: The House would vote on a more popular package of fixes to the Senate bill; under the House rule for that vote, passage would signify that lawmakers "deem" the health-care bill to be passed.

The tactic -- known as a "self-executing rule" or a "deem and pass" -- has been commonly used, although never to pass legislation as momentous as the $875 billion health-care bill. It is one of three options that Pelosi said she is considering for a late-week House vote, but she added that she prefers it because it would politically protect lawmakers who are reluctant to publicly support the measure. (emphasis added)

When Democrats rule, there are no rules. Left-wingers and Socialists don't care about law or the Constitution... Or the wishes of the voters. Kim Jong-il, Hugo Chaves, Fidel Castro, Democrats, and other tyrannical leaders care only about power.

And we handed it to them.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Wicked Women I Work With

As a new feature on Malott's Blog, I will be presenting profiles of women I work with or have worked with in the past. I'll only do this when I have an accompanying picture.


The picture below is about ten years old. T.M. brought a camera with her on her last day at work. She put her arm around my waist and said, "We need our picture taken," held the camera at arm's length, and snapped this off.

T.M. was absolutely beautiful. She was stunning. And she liked me. She thought I was interesting. She knew I found her attractive, and one of her favorite things to do was to come up to me at work and press her body against mine until I became disoriented. It didn't take long.

You might think T.M. was a little crazy. But considering her family background, she was really quite the success story. When I knew her she had a young child, no husband, and parents that borrowed money from her.

I've only seen her a couple times since this picture was taken. But I do get an occasional phone call from her prospective employers. I was never her boss or supervisor but she still lists me as a reference. This is how I describe her over the phone: "T.M. is very smart... A quick study. She is a good worker. She is very capable and everyone liked her. I wish we had her back."

I miss T.M.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Quote for the Day

"Part of the undertow in the coming election is going to be President Obama's leadership, and the Republicans will make a case... a version of, 'Listen, he's a nice person, he's very articulate... but he couldn't sell watermelons on a highway with a state trooper flagging down traffic.'"
--Dan Rather... on Chris Matthew's "Hardball"


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Milk of Human Kindness

MARCH 8--A Kentucky woman is facing a felony assault charge for allegedly squirting breast milk into the face of a female jailer. After Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested last Thursday for public intoxication, she was transported to the Daviess County Detention Center in Owensboro. While there, Tramel was directed to change into a jail uniform. But the uncooperative suspect was "too intoxicated to complete the task on her own," so Officer Lula Brown sought to aid her. While in the jail's shower room, Brown told Tramel that she "needed to take her shirt and bra off" before changing into a green jail smock. That is when Tramel "took off her bra, grabbed her breast and squirted breast milk, hitting me in the face and neck region," reported Brown. Tramel attempted a second lactation assault, "but was unsuccessful," added Brown. Tramel is now being held in the Daviess County lockup on $5000 bond. As for Brown, a jail press release noted that the officer was successfully able to "clean the bio-hazard off her."

You know, there are many things a sensitive man such as I could say about this story, but I suppose what interests me most is the concept of using a loaded breast as a weapon. Could they be used in robberies? Who knows what I might willingly do if I had a breast held to my head.

And is there a new Olympic event here? Marksmanship. Style.

My imagination runneth over.


Saturday, March 06, 2010

Darlene Zschech - The Power Of Your Love

I'm Itching to Garden

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.
--Alfred, Lord Tennyson

But when you're my age you think about gardening.

However I must pause and say that a majority of my relationships found their beginning in the spring. It's just something about this time of year... Women seem to come out of the woodwork... Bathed, perfumed, and ready to rut.

But I'll be busy making furrows in the soil and tenderly placing young onion plants into its moist darkness. I'll be on my knees making rows of greens... Spinach, collards, and kale. I'll lovingly plant wide rows of peas, a patch of garlic, and about 6 feet of leaf lettuce.

The rest of my garden will wait till May, but somehow my spring garden is my favorite... My love.

As a very wise poet once wrote:

I'll keep an eye out down the lane this spring
for some seasoned lass a'strolling,
whose fertile valley needs tending
Still, I'm itching to garden.
--Alfred, Lord Malott


Friday, March 05, 2010

Finding Doreen

Chapter 2: Her Life is Better Than Mine

I still get an occasional email from Doreen, my college girlfriend, though she still won't be my Facebook Friend. The girl obviously has her standards.

I've learned that Doreen has had a more interesting life than I have had. A better life. She sent me the picture below, showing her vacationing at Myrtle Beach with Roberts Blossom, the scary neighbor in Home Alone, and Joan Allen, the star of Face Off and The Bourne Supremacy.

Wait... Maybe that's her dad and her sister. Not sure.

And no, I don't have permission to post this picture. Nor will I seek it.

Thirty-five years ago Doreen was securely under my thumb. I was the big Cahuna in her life. Numero Uno. The Man. The Big Cheese. Now, she is more travelled than I. She has a better job than I. And she has certainly kept her looks better than I have.

Wait, I'm not done whining.

Doreen has two great looking, smart, and talented kids. She has a husband who works with special needs children... A freaking Saint. (Swell.) He's the very same guy that poisoned her mind and stole her away from me. Did I tell you that she has a better job than I do? I helped this girl get through freshman chemistry!

Today I'll drive my octogenarian parents to Sam's Club, which will be the highlight of my day. Well... No it won't... I just remembered, I'm going to the dentist, too.