Monday, June 28, 2010

Malott Quits Job

The entire staff at Malott's Blog wishes to publicly express its concern that our fearless, and somewhat eccentric leader, has inexplicably resigned his job of thirty-one years to pursue a similar job that is farther from home and will provide less take-home pay. He will be working only three days per week and will be assigned odd hours. The only advantages we can thus far determine is that he will have a much lighter work load and less responsibilities.

To our inquiries Malott only replies, "I can do three days standing on my head." We're not sure what that means.

Malott has assured us that our current pay and staffing will not be affected.

Our major concern is that the tasteful standards and pristine reputation that the Blog has earned through the years might be compromised if Malott's mental capacities and personal habits continue to erode. We have noticed that he bathes less, goes longer between haircuts, and has taken to pacing about his home while whispering, "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Malott does not own a cat, and has never demonstrated an appreciation for cats.

Thus, our concern.

Oh sure, Malott has always inter-personally danced with two left feet, but his insight and judgement have historically been keen and beyond reproach. We suggested to Mr. Malott that this employment move might be the product of a midlife crisis, but he responded that it was rather a "midwife" crisis. We're not sure what that means, either.

The entire staff at Malott's Blog would like to take this opportunity to assure our faithful readers that our desire is to continue our mission of providing political and cultural insights today, tomorrow, and well into the future.

As for Mr. Malott... We'll watch him. And when the time comes, we'll do our best to fulfill his latest final request to be stuffed and mounted in the corporate lobby.

Thank you.


Cat Character Moment

I believe this picture and caption have much to teach to us all concerning the miserable character of cats. Cats are not our friends.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Tar Baby
The more he struggles with the oil spill, the more he gets stuck. Poor Br'er Obama.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Little Yellow Flowers

These little yellow flowers come back up every year without me having to plant seeds. These perennials, as we say in Greentown, are pretty much maintenance free.

This is how they look from my upstairs bedroom window. Not much happens in my bedroom, so it's nice to have something to look at outside.

So if you want to have some outside your bedroom window, too... Go to the nursery and ask for little yellow flowers that come back up every year without having to plant seeds. I'm sure this is what they will give you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Eye Upon the Sparrow

This afternoon I put my truck in my garage for the night, and somehow three sparrows got trapped in my garage. I opened the door, but they couldn't seem to figure out how to fly out. Every time they tried, they flew high and found themselves trapped above the raised garage door. So I chased them around with a broom until they flew out... I thought all three were out.

About an hour later, I went into my garage to get a can of pork and beans, and I saw the third little guy sitting up in the corner. I said, "You're too stupid to live, so go ahead and die."

I came back inside and tried to forget about him. But I thought about my own life, my own stupidity, and my spiritual failures. I remembered that "He knows when a sparrow falls." And I thought of the old hymn that goes, "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

So, I raised the garage door and started chasing my guest. But no matter what I did, he was just too stupid to fly into the light and be free. I finally had him cornered, and I picked him up in my hands, and carried him outside, and set him free.

I know God was watching.

So I will pray for the same mercy. I will pray for my friends and their sons. I will pray for their marriages and their worldly ways. I will pray that in spite of our stupidity... The Lord will step into the middle of our sin... Pick us up in His hands... And save us all.


Saturday, June 12, 2010


Pronounced "lavender," this good smelling herb was first used as an underarm deodorant in medieval Europe. It's leaves are known to have been rubbed into the armpits of Queen Elizabeth I, until she developed a rash.

I love the way this stuff smells. Some mornings before work, I go out and roll in it. The women at work love it!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Vast Longabooger Collection

Pictured here is my complete collection of Longarbooger products. I bought this for my mom, but she isn't well enough to make pies anymore, so she gave it back to me. I recently made my parents a rhubarb pie from scratch... The ugliest thing you ever saw... But it tasted great! I'm just not good at rolling out the dough and keeping it in one piece as I make the pie.

Have you noticed that the Longuburger Sales Ladies are totally hot? I've always wanted to buy the picnic basket, but I think it costs like 900 dollars... So I've been putting it off.

Yes, Longerberger is a high priority in my sophisticated lifestyle... It's a way of life for me... I'd have it no other way.


Uh... No... ... ... I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Favorite Movie Quote for Sunday

"She's Dead! Quick! Someone get a doctor!"
Strangers on a Train, 1951


Saturday, June 05, 2010

Young Love
The heavenly touch of your embrace tells me no one could take your place...
Young love, first love, we share with deep

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Gores Kiss-Off Marriage

(Well you knew I'd have to say something.)

First of all I'm moved to say that whenever a marriage fails it is a terrible tragedy that diminishes us all, and blah, blah, blah.

But it's not as if this particular incidence is happening to nice people. This is a man who flipped his deeply held opinion on abortion in order to run for national office. At the '96 Democrat Convention Al attacked Big Tobacco by giving a moving and emotional speech about his sister who died of lung cancer... but to secure votes he told tobacco workers, "I've raised tobacco. I've shredded it, spiked it, and sold it." Gore has been involved in illegal fund raising at a Buddhist Temple and phone calls from his office. Al claimed he invented the internet and that he and Tipper were the inspiration for Erich Segal's Love Story.

I remember when we cheered Tipper for suggesting warning labels should be applied to violent and drug oriented rock albums. But when you consider that she is a big fan of The Grateful Dead - she once played bongos with the remnant band - You have to wonder if her crusade was anything more than a political play.

And of course... The Gores have parlayed their pre-2000 election fortune of one million dollars into approximately 100 million dollars by crusading against global warming on a planet that isn't warming.

So it isn't as if Ruth and Billy Graham had decided to call it quits.

We've been told that there is no "affair" involved... Fine! But might I suggest that rich people who never see each other don't split up just so they can seek a life of celibacy.
And although divorce is always a sad thing, let me deliver the silver lining: This split suggests that Al Gore will never run for public office again.