Thursday, August 30, 2007

My Advice for Senator Craig

Craig pleaded guilty earlier this month to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct after his arrest in June in an undercover sting operation at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport where police were targeting lewd behavior in the men's toilet.

The best thing Senator Larry Craig could do for himself is to switch to the Democrat Party. The result would be... Republicans and conservatives would think about the same of him as they do now, and the Democrats and the mainstream media (here I repeat myself) would love him.

"Ladies and gentleman, this experience has been a kind of epiphany for me. I now understand how gays are treated in this country, and I believe as a Democrat, I could stand with a party that respects diversity..." is all he would have to say.

Democrats in Congress and the mainstream media stand behind their own in matters of perversion, perjury, plagiarism, and a multitude of sins and criminal acts. When they can't turn a blind eye, they spin the facts and the story into any shape that helps their cause.

Whether it's shady land deals by Harry Reid and Barack Obama... Or the classics: Barney Frank, Sandy Berger, Joe Biden, Ted Kennedy, Clinton, and Clinton... The "Scoundrels Are Us" Party knows how to care for its own.

So Larry, do yourself a favor.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Gonzales and the Price of our Safety

From Katie Couric's Notebook - a daily radio blather heard on AM stations that use CBS for their news - Katie mentioned wiretaps twice and (so-called) torture once as she explained why the latest crucified conservative minority had resigned.

She didn't mention the 6 years that Bush and Gonzales have kept us free from further attacks.

She did mention that George Bush was not at his side as this "son of immigrants" resigned... Surely meaning to suggest to Hispanics that Bush had deserted their misguided brother.

If Katie was an honest woman - and not a disingenuous, smarmy little twit - she would have explained in her "journal" that this "high-tech lynching" of yet another conservative minority is simply to be expected when said minorities wander from the Political Party that loves them.

As Couric, the mainstream media, and other Democrats celebrate this latest victory in their war against George Bush, I'd like to personally thank Alberto for having the shocking temerity to do what needed to be done to keep us safe since 9-11-01.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Too Cool for 86

That's my 86-year-old dad in the WWII Veteran hat, perched next to his brand new 50 inch High Definition Plasma TV.

He has been having a little trouble with macular degeneration, so the bigger screen helps.

That's what he says. Or maybe he just wanted to have the biggest and best TV in the family. (I could actually make out the individual blades of artificial turf in the HD NFL broadcast. Dang!)

I'd be green with envy, but this old Tin Can Sailor deserves the best!
The Censored Opus

Find it here.
"You're not getting a girlfriend blathering about American Idol..."


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Believing in Hell

My Dear Wormwood,

I wonder that you should ask whether it is essential that you should keep the patient in ignorance of your own existence. That question, at least for the present phase of the struggle, has been answered for us by the high command. Our policy, for the moment, is to conceal ourselves. Of course this has not always been so. We are really faced with a cruel dilemma. When the humans disbelieve in our existence we lose all the pleasing results of direct terrorism and we make no magicians. On the other hand, when they believe in us, we cannot make them materialists and skeptics.

If any suspicion of your existence begins to arise in his mind, suggest to him a picture of something in red tights, and persuade him that he cannot believe in that, and therefore he cannot believe in you.

The Screwtape Letters... C.S. Lewis

As a 21st century Christian man, I hate believing in hell. It goes against my sophisticated, human expectations of a loving God. But there are over 162 references in the New Testament which warn of Hell. Over 70 of these references are attributed to Jesus. It is also problematic that the New Testament speaks of Satan 250 times... Almost once per chapter.

In order to believe in hell, I think you must first get beyond your little sense of justice... Your little sense of fairness... And your unholy desire to fashion a graven God in your image.

I think you must first understand the audacity of going 24 hours without prayer... The insolence of embracing entertainment that grieves God... The impertinence of perceiving your life as your own.

Until you despise, and are humbled by, your lukewarm moments... Until you fully grasp the seriousness of sin... You probably won't truly believe in hell.

The prophets were "on their knees," sometimes "face in the dirt" in their supplication. We are upright and proud, as we treat God like an old friend we could walk up to in a restaurant and slap on the back. We are casual and presuming when we approach the Almighty... At a comfortable distance... Accepting Him on our terms.

In short... The fear of God is not in us.

We continue to fuse our love of the world with our diluted faith, ever oblivious to the spiritual warfare that rages around us. We reduce God's dynamic plan to a lifestyle... A peripheral tradition... A set of guidelines that help us raise clean cut, respectful children.

If you're a churchgoer, consider how many times this year you've heard a sermon on the grace of God, as opposed to sermons about - or even the mention of - hell. Christ talked more about hell than heaven, but today's church knows better than He... That the opposite makes better business sense... And better relates to the fashions of the world.

Deleting hell makes the church more palatable to the world. Deleting hell neutralizes urgency and accommodates passivity. Deleting hell just makes a better show.

I think we can conclude that the ignoring of hell is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

Home Again... Pink Floyd

Softly spoken... Eternal Judgement served up in pastels.
Opus Censored?

Cartoonist Berkeley Breathed has inked his share of anti-Bush episodes, but tonight he’s run afoul of an enemy that really does want to destroy his free speech.

And I’m not talking about radical Islamic front groups this time. Berkeley Breathed is being preemptively censored by our very own Western mainstream media.
The Islamic world’s meltdown over the dreaded cartoons of blasphemy continues to pay dividends.

I hope to link to these... So stay tuned.

The Half Hour News Hour - Rush Limbaugh Controls The World

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Equal Rights Amendment
and My Career in the WNBA

Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification.

It has been stated by someone (much less gallant than I) that the average boy's high school basketball team could beat the best girl's college basketball team. Such are the powers of testosterone.

I know that women's balls are smaller. But the rims are the same size, making it easier to make a basket.


Anyway, I just might be able to compete.

Opponents of the ERA argue that its passage would have far-reaching implications, obliterating traditional distinctions between the sexes. Women, ERA opponents claim, would be required to register for the Selective Service System (the draft) just as men currently do, and would have to serve in combat just as men must.

Critics also maintain that the ERA would require the integration of single-sex schools, sports teams or even restrooms—they point to a decision by a court in the State of Washington which ordered a fraternal civic organization to admit women, based upon the ERA within its state constitution.

Restrooms? I have a hard enough time peeing with other "men" in the room... However, I am sensitive to the boon this would be for dirty old men, and their unique proclivities, everywhere.

The Left... The Liberals... The Progressives... Or whatever name they're hiding behind this week... Just can't seem to leave any tradition or value unmolested. They never met a Pandora's box that they didn't want to open.

Some ERA supporters argue that the earlier 35 state ratifications are still valid and therefore only three more would amend the ERA to the Constitution, without Congress resubmitting it to state lawmakers. This idea is called the "three-state strategy".

This is a bad idea that won't go away.

I'd write more, but I need to go work on my "hook shot."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Museum of the Over-Rated

My hometown doesn't have a lot to interest vacationers, but the Indiana Museum of the Over-Rated is truly something special. Built... Some would say symbolically... On the grounds of the former landfill, the museum covers a little more than 3 acres in the scenic, rural Midwest.

Entering the front lobby your senses are immediately engulfed by the large bust of John F Kennedy, the 35th president of our country.

JFK, who went sailing while the Berlin Wall was erected... Who partied as the Cuban Freedom Fighters were slaughtered in the Bay of Pigs... And who, when his spine finally stiffened - almost caused World War III in the Cuban Missile Crisis... Is now best known for his womanizing -laying the groundwork for Bill Clinton's exploits.

What differentiates his presidential legacy from that of... say... Jimmy Carter's?

Just a couple bullets.

Many museum visitors who are movie buffs head straight for the Sean Penn Repository of Worthless Cinema. Named for perhaps the most over-rated actor in movie history, this very large collection of stage and screen performers celebrates those who have inexplicably gained fame through their ability to bore audiences everywhere.

Recently opening over in the Journalism Wing, there is a long over-due exhibit.

The Christiane Amanpour exhibit is simply stunning. Here is a celebrated woman whose journalistic mediocrity and under-developed sense of reality is truly legendary. This woman, who was raised in Tehran, and led a privileged life under the regime of the Shah of Iran -amazingly managed to grow up in the Middle East without developing any sense or understanding of Radical Islam and its threat to the world. How did she do it? I'm sure I don't know. It just must be part of the magic of being Christiane.

Over in the the Elvis Presley Pagoda of Over-Rated Popular Music, which was once dominated by Disco Music... Rap now dominates - as one might assume. But whether it's Fabian, Helen Reddy, Air Supply, or Michael Jackson - All mediocre songs and voices from the present and past are well represented.

In the Donovan McNabb Sports Pavilion there is an entire section dedicated to the National Basketball Association. How did the NBA take the most exciting sport on the high school and college levels, and turn it into a complete yawner, lacking even a modicum of integrity? Come to Indiana and find out!

For directions and more details about the Indiana Museum of the Over-Rated, visit Indiana and receive a free brochure.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Coulter on Cleland

Max Cleland was a war hero who lost his limbs as a result of Viet Cong grenades, giving him the stature to gleefully taunt George Bush and Dick Cheney. "Where the hell were you in the Vietnam War?" Cleland responded to Cheney. "If you had gone to Vietnam like the rest of us, maybe you would have learned something about war."

Then we learned Cleland was a victim only of his own clumsiness and had dropped the grenade on himself in Vietnam after stopping for a beer.

A blog I rarely visit really tore in to Ann Coulter for the article linked above in which she marginalized the wounds suffered by liberal anti-war activist Max Cleland while serving his country in Vietnam.

Here is a simple rule for Ann to follow in the future to protect her from such criticism.

A. If a man returns wounded from Vietnam and rapes 8-year-old little girls - then it is permissible for the prosecutor to question the way in which his wounds were contracted in order to secure a guilty verdict.

B. If a man returns wounded from Vietnam and causes the deaths of 18 and 19-year-old young Americans by speaking treason, and thus encouraging the enemy - then questioning the way his wounds were contracted is not allowed.

I hope that helps, Ann.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Potassium Chloride and Abortion

Some prisoners executed by lethal injection might be so inadequately sedated that they are awake enough to suffer agonizingly painful deaths, according to a study.

April '97.....".....Texas newspapers recently reported a freakish accident. A lady, while hospitalized, was accidentally injected with one of the three poisons used to kill prisoners in the state's death chamber. The horrible way she died, convulsing in pain and screaming that she was burning, shocked the readers.

Potassium chloride is the salt of potassium after it's reacted with hydrochloric acid. In large doses, injected intravenously, it would burn and hurt horribly, because it's a salt and because it instantly throws off the chemical balance of the blood with which it comes into contact. It makes all muscles lock up in extreme contraction that would hurt unbearably.

In response to the Supreme Court decision upholding the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act, many abortion providers in Boston and around the country have adopted a defensive tactic. To avoid any chance of partially delivering a live fetus, they are injecting fetuses with lethal drugs before procedures.

The National Abortion Federation is training doctors to inject potassium chloride into a preborn baby’s heart. Since the procedure kills the baby while in the mother’s womb, abortionists argue they cannot be prosecuted under the ban.

In the case of lethal injections, murderers have the advantage of being anesthetized before the potassium chloride stops their heart. But I guess the babies are expected to "tough it out."

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The 300 (Mexicans)

You gotta love this!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Belated Heaven's Gate Suicide 10th Anniversary Celebration

Now see... I get busy and I miss the tenth anniversary of the Heaven's Gate thing... And I fail to celebrate the day on which the dead guys were found... or the bodies left by the guys who went to the space ship - depending upon your personal beliefs and loon quotient. In fact it was March 26, 1997.

In preparing to kill themselves, members of the group drank citrus juices to ritually cleanse their bodies of impurities. The suicide was accomplished by ingestion of phenobarbital mixed with vodka, along with plastic bags secured around their heads to induce asphyxiation. They were found lying neatly in their own bunk beds, with their faces and torsos covered by a square, purple cloth. Each member carried five dollar bills and a few quarters in their wallets. All 39 were dressed in identical black shirts and sweat pants, brand new black-and-white Nike tennis shoes, and armband patches reading "Heaven's Gate Away Team".

You can't make this stuff up. Brand new Nikes. Cool!

Heaven's Gate was founded by Marshall Herff Applewhite (pictured above) and Bonnie Lu Truesdale Nettles sometime before 1975. The two claimed to have arrived via UFO from another dimension (a "level above human") and would return via a secretive "Process", which was taught to group members.

What interests me, is that speaking, breathing adults heard the UFO story and believed it enough to "off" themselves.

And what "sells it" for Me?

Six of the male members of the group voluntarily underwent castration as an extreme means of maintaining the ascetic lifestyle.


And just who do you see to get that done? Can you get it done professionally? Is there a home castration kit you can buy? Are there instructions in Popular Mechanics? I immediately think of the neighborhood veterinarian, but I'd be embarrassed to ask her, and I doubt she'd do it anyway.

...Come to think of it... I've dated a couple women who would probably have been up to the task... Certainly figuratively, if not literally.

You know... I've never been popular. I'm kind of a loser and a geek... Not very bright... Kind of odd in some ways. I don't have many friends. I'm nothing to look at and I have no money. The chances that my prospects will improve are poor... But if I ever need attention and acceptance so desperately that I attempt to join a cult...
Please someone... Come to my house... And just shoot me.

Thank you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sick Wife Strategy

John Edwards, the prettiest man that has ever run for president, has a bulldog for a wife. She is beginning to make Teresa Hines Kerry look like Pat Nixon.

Recently John sicced his wife on his Democrat opponents... And she said Obama was "behaving in a holier-than-thou way." She praised her husband for apologizing for his vote on Iraq and criticized Hillary for not doing the same.

How does she "get away" with being "out front" - vocal and critical? Dare I say it?

She is sick.

There are certain things in life that are untouchable and sacrosanct... Jesse Jackson's inability to speak understandable English, for instance. Can't touch that. When Jackson ran for president, everyone knew this country would never elect a man that talked like "Fat Albert's" friend, "Mushmouth"... But no reporter ever broached that subject.

A liberal woman with breast cancer falls into the same category.

Elizabeth Edwards can say whatever she wants and John's opponents are powerless to challenge her.

Let us now pause a moment for the obligatory - We hope and pray that this mother of young children survives this deadly disease - Which goes without saying. (But I knew I'd darn-well better say it.)

At the risk of compromising its reputation as a bastion of sensitivity, Malott's Blog has decided to call this John Edwards' "Sick Wife" Strategy. Being a former trial lawyer, Edwards has the ethics and morals of... Well... a Trial lawyer... And I figure he will use any means at his disposal.

On a related note, Malott's Blog has decided for now to steer clear of discussing anything relating to a possible "Dead Wife" strategy... And it's not easy.

Get well, Elizabeth.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Gardening Tip #6

Make a Tomato Map

The garden can be a real jungle... Fortunately I have just the outfit for it. I also have a tomato map.

I planted 5 different kinds of tomatoes in my garden last May. But by this time - a lesser gardener... a careless gardener...
An idiot... Would have no idea which tomato plant was which - and would be clueless as to which variety produced the tomato he liked best. So next spring he would have no clue as to which seeds to buy.

While it's true that some, like the branywine, are distinctive in color, most tomatoes look alike.

Early in the spring I start my tomato seeds in peat-pellets (the kind that swell when you add water) and mark them with secretary's liquid paper. For instance:

"-" is Better Boy

"=" is Rutgers

"+" is Brandywine... And so on...

When I put the pellets in peat pots, I mark the pots with the same symbol. And when I plant the pots in the garden, I make a tomato map. (see photo illustration above)
Costumes by L.L. Bean
Our Living Constitution

Whites are now in the minority in nearly one in 10 U.S. counties. And that increased diversity, fueled by immigration and higher birth rates among blacks and Hispanics, is straining race relations and sparking a backlash against immigrants in many communities.

In northern Virginia, Teresita Jacinto said she feels less welcome today than when she first arrived 30 years ago, when she was one of few Hispanics in the area.

Woodbridge is part of Prince William County, which recently passed a resolution seeking to deny public services to illegal immigrants. Similar measures have been approved or considered in dozens of communities across the nation. In all, state lawmakers have introduced more than 1,400 measures related to immigration this year, the National Conference of State Legislatures says.

Supporters say local laws are necessary because Congress has failed to crack down on the estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. But many Hispanics legally in the U.S. say they feel targeted, too.

I think it's ironic that the much ignored 10th amendment, which grants the states power over issues not enumerated in the Constitution, should be exercised in a general area in which the Federal Government has refused to fulfill its constitutional responsibilities.

X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people.

Is become...

X. The responsibilities delegated to, but ignored by, the United States by the Constitution, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people to act upon, and clean up any messes caused by the United States' dereliction.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Are There Really Men Who Wear Pajamas?

...let's talk important things today.

Don't most men sleep in their underwear and a t-shirt? I mean really. This is not 1955. Even men with daughters surely wear underwear and a t-shirt to bed.

I'm sure this is true because the guys in movies ... At least the cool guys... Don't wear pajamas.

The only pajamas I would wear would be the ones that are one-piece with snaps and have footies with rubber soles... With maybe a Bugs Bunny embroidered thing. I would wear those.
I had a pair like that once, but it's been a while. A long while.

And what do I wear now? I wear a lavender teddy with a smart, gray blazer.
... Because I can.

Just kidding.

No, really! I'm just kidding!

I have no idea what women wear... But I figure it's a t-shirt and underwear.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Color Footage of Tacoma Narrows

This latest devastating footage from the Minnesota Bridge collapse demonstrates why we must get out of Iraq and spend our money on infrastructure.

I will continue to seek out Minnesota Bridge film until we finally have a hurricane that we can blame on President Bush and the war in Iraq.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

New from L.L. Bean this Fall

Any self-respecting Jihadi Suicide-Bomber would not be caught dead without the proper headgear.

Picture, if you will... You're strutting your stuff down Main Street towards a crowded mall or nightclub... Fifty pounds of C4 explosives on your back... Is your head bare?

I don't think so!

No, you're decked-out in your L.L. Bean Desert Bomber. Just $39.99
The infidel girls will stand back and say to each other, "Now there's a man who knows what to wear when he blows himself up!"

Or maybe you're headed to the subway on a cool and crisp Autumn afternoon. Do you want to meet those virgins in a baseball cap? No way, Waseem! Before you leave your brains all over the trains, why not pamper yourself by donning the L.L. Bean Zawahri TNT Turban? Just $42.50
This light-weight cotton turban features a custom head-band and a secret compartment for the explosive of your choice.

But maybe you're a traditionalist and prefer to do your bombing in the skies. You'll look suave and sophisticated in the Arrafat Palestinian, modelled below by Ringo Starr. Just $29.99

And what about the evening before you blow yourself away? As you say goodbye to your wife, children, and other property... Why not kick back and wrap your head in comfort with the Gadhafi Bowl-Boy. Just $49.95 -Imported

Made of the finest silk from Bangladesh, the GBB lends sophistication to any event, whether it's a formal pre-bombing dinner, or simply sodomizing the neighbor-boy in the backyard.

So remember L.L. Bean when you're deciding how to cover your head... Before you blow it off.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Vote for Bagge

Would you like to se this wounded veteran get $10,000?

Then take 30seconds, go here, and vote.


Indiana senior tight end Blake Powers was arrested after he threw a water balloon from one car into another, hitting an off-duty police officer, authorities said.

Powers, 22, was released from the Monroe County Jail after he was booked Monday night on a preliminary misdemeanor charge of battery.

According to a police report, Powers tossed a water balloon through the open window of another car, striking Paul Wampler in the head.

Wampler followed the other vehicle, which had four occupants, to a residence where Powers admitted throwing the water balloon, the report said. All four car occupants tested negative for alcohol use, said IU police Capt. Jerry Minger.

What an idiot.