Friday, March 19, 2010

Restless Butt Syndrome

It begins innocently enough with an annoying twitching of the gluteus maximus muscles, disturbing sleep and making sitting for long periods of time an uncomfortable experience. Then the rectal cramping begins with its sharp pains and anal convulsions, leaving the victim dazed and asking, "Why me?"

Restless Butt Syndrome effects 1 in 27 and has no cure. Its crippling symptoms change each life it touches as a once reliable anus becomes a cruel taskmaster, a rectal Grand Inquisitor of tortuous pain and humiliating gyrations.

Unlike its distant cousin - the ruse that healthy people employ for attention, Restless Leg Syndrome - the heartbreak of RBS signals the end of a carefree life, the end of confidence, as in the end the disease consummates its horrid devices.


Shown above: human anus (artist's conception)

But, there is hope. Researchers worldwide are looking for a cure - a magic bullet - perhaps a suppository - that in the end will evacuate this terrible malady from our midst.

Thank you.

9 comments:

SkyePuppy said...

You really need to put all this behind you. In the blogosphere's ranking of tasteful posts, this one brings up the rear.

Malott said...

Skyepuppy,

You may be right, but you must admit the drawing really "makes" the post. It's like being there.

Anonymous said...

You could of just said that you think RLS is a crock and saved us both alot of time.

All_I_Can_Stands said...

How many Americans are afflicted with yet another syndrome: Restful Butt Syndrome. Where the butt can sit for hours and hours without any sign of pain, numbness or discomfort.

One sure sign of the disease is restless arms that reach into the back pockets of other Americans to remove hard earned cash.

Malott said...

The drug companies no doubt love self-absorbed hypochondriacs looking for attention.

Restless Legg People should try a little exercise before they plop down their cash.

Center McLefty said...

It seems like I can't ever agree with Malott.

RLS may or not be a myth. From personal experience, I can say that my wife has what I call (in homage to Seinfeld) the "Jimmy Leg."

Whether its RLS or not, I don't know. My wife's in good shape -- walks a lot and is a former martial artist -- and her problems started to get bad once she hit 45.

However, in lieu of an expensive RLS drug, she takes a generic prescription muscle relaxer and that allows her to sleep well through the night.

However, I agree that the drug companies are predatory in their use of television advertising.

But that shouldn't come as any surprise.

Malott said...

CMac,

I don't know if I would use "predatory," but I'm sure they're looking for suckers.

But thanks for the info concerning your wife - it kind of blows my exercise theory out of the water.

-Always good to hear your thoughts.

Tsofah said...

YEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Malott, what a post! I truly hope you are feeling better???

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