Saturday, May 31, 2008

Cheese and Body Weight

When I have a lot of cheese in my diet I find I carry more weight, and I believe it works like this: As far as I know, I have never been constipated in my entire life. To the contrary, I am so regular that it sometimes frightens me. It's not uncommon for me to sit and reminisce with an entree I consumed less that twelve hours before.

That said, cheese slows things down, causing my body to retain more entrees at any given time; thus, the added weight.

And, I'm reasonably certain that cheese changes the character and dimensions of my tidings.

Once when I was in the 4th grade, having been excused from class to empty my bladder, Danny Mohr, a 5th grader, came out of one of the stalls just beaming. "You gotta see this!" he said. And it was truly amazing... Not the length - but the girth of this monster. I remember there was some talk about whether it should be flushed - or saved for recess when the other boys could appreciate it. I mean... We've all heard fish stories.

Now years later, the cynic in me wonders if this zeppelin hadn't been left by one of the teachers or a much bigger boy... Danny wasn't that big a boy and for this amazing piece-o-poo to greet the world without the aid of some sort of rectal episiotomy stretches... well, the imagination. But I've never been one that harvested pleasure from running down amazing things... So I stand by my friend.

But my query is this: Could cheese have been the knitting that bound Danny's masterpiece?

If you would like to experiment with this at home, I suggest Baby Swiss.

Thank you.

Friday, May 30, 2008

More love from Obama's Church

"I'm Bill's wife, I'm white... Oh damn!...I'm entitled... A whole lot of white people crying..."

Fine. Obama's church doesn't like white people.

Got it.

He and his family sat through years of this?.... And he wants to be my President?

Powell and Rice seem less hatefilled...

NewsBusted 5/30/08

Thursday, May 29, 2008

What Could Be Worse?

Kind of makes you sick, doesn't it. What could be worse?

Well... Maybe this?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Carter Leaks Data

Former President Jimmy Carter said Israel held at least 150 nuclear weapons, the first time a current or former American president had publicly acknowledged the Jewish state’s nuclear arsenal. Asked at a news conference in Wales on Sunday how a future president should deal with the Iranian nuclear threat, he sought to put the risk in context by listing atomic weapons held globally. “The U.S. has more than 12,000 nuclear weapons, the Soviet Union has about the same, Great Britain and France have several hundred, and Israel has 150 or more,” he said, according to a transcript. The existence of Israeli nuclear arms is widely assumed, but Israel has never admitted their existence and American officials have stuck to that line in public for years.

There is a reason why no current or former president discussed Israel's nuclear arsenal.
Once again Jimmy Carter's need for attention supersedes America's interests. But was it criminal or just dangerous?
Either way, on the Left it's forgiven... In fact it's in vogue.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Oswald Chambers Thought for the Day

We cannot save ourselves nor sanctify ourselves, God does all that; but God will not give us good habits, He will not give us character, He will not make us walk aright. We have to do all that ourselves, we have to work out the salvation God has worked in.


God bless them all.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Malott's Italian Sub

I am not a brilliant man. I am not a brilliant medical technologist. But am I a brilliant cook?


Because I'm gracious, kind, and reek of piety... I've decided to share my recipe for Italian Subs. I know... I know... You're welcome!


1) Deli style sub buns
2) Shaved baked ham
3) Shaved salami
4) Contadina tomato paste w/ tomato pesto
5) Provolone cheese
6) McCormack's Italian seasoning

Listen closely: Open the sub bun - you may have to use a knife - toast under your broiler until light golden brown. (This keeps your sandwich from being soggy)
On the bottom bun half, spread tomato paste, add a thin layer of ham and a thin layer of salami, and place under the broiler (This half needs to toast a smidgen longer than the top.)
On the top bun half, place a layer of provolone, sprinkle on Italian seasoning, and place under broiler.
When it's done, place the halves together... And enjoy.

You can deviate from my ingredients and instructions... But understand this: You'll be screwing with perfection. And no one respects that.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Maria Chapman

Remembering Maria Sue

Steven Curtis Chapman, the Christian music artist, adopted three Chinese girls... Maria recently died in an accident. Her eyes remind me of a little girl I once held in my arms. I can't imagine the pain.

A part of God's perfect plan.

A glory we know, but a glory we must accept through faith.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Repenting of My Previous Post...


I appreciate your sensitivities.

For years I have believed that Senator Kennedy is a very bad man. And while I would wish cancer on no one, for me to now collapse into a fit of concern and compassion would be disingenuous. We are all going to die... (I know I plan to...) and the Senator can afford to pass painlessly and peacefully.

Maybe we should pray that this illness would cause the Senator to publicly repent - and thus glorify G_d.

Maybe the Senator will publicly turn away from his support of abortion, the gay agenda, His efforts to separate G_d from our schools and our institutions... And maybe he will repent of his personal life style.

I believe G_d uses illness to bless people... By getting their attention off the world and onto Him.

Senator Kennedy has the opportunity to turn a lifetime of mistakes into a glorious witness. Maybe we should pray for that.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Ted Kennedy Diagnosed...

BOSTON - Sen. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

Doctors for the Massachusetts Democrat said Tuesday that preliminary biopsy results showed a malignant glioma in the left parietal-lobe. It was detected after Kennedy, 76, was airlifted to Boston on Saturday after having a seizure at his Cape Cod home.

It is reported that upon hearing the news, the executives at Chivas Regal wept.

It just doesn't make sense. A guy takes care of himself... Lives right... Avoids diving into the water late at night... And then this happens!

Get well Ted. You exemplify your ilk to comedic perfection... You are irreplaceable.
Subliminal Messages

Is science sexy?

If you back away from this picture Albert gains new found allure.

Einstein was born into a Jewish family and was no doubt circumcised as an infant.

Note: The entire staff at Malott's Blog sincerely apologizes for allowing the subject of the previous post to encroach upon this one.

Thank you.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I Was Circumcised Behind My Back

After 46 years the Naked Truth Sees the Light of Day... Is Brought Out and Examined... Is Exposed... Displayed... Laid Bare... Uncovered... Unmasked... Unveiled... All That.

When my mother went into labor and they checked her out... They found that my umbilical cord was preceding me. Not good. With my oxygen supply cut off, I no doubt became indignant and began pounding my fists against the walls of my mother's uterus, demanding immediate action... Well maybe I did. Anyway, they rushed us to the delivery room.

I was born a blue baby... Breech... With a prolapsed cord. Then I got sick. In short, because of my general health - or lack thereof - they never got around to circumcising me.

Fast forward to the summer when I am seven years old. I develop a hernia that requires surgery. Unknown to me... My parents talk to the surgeon behind my back and arrange for me to be circumcised during my hernia surgery.

I was kept in the dark on this issue.

In the recovery room, at some point after the surgery I inadvertently knocked the bandage off my member... And my most vivid memory of that day is the sight of three nurses and my mother huddled over me as the nurses re-bandaged my John Thomas. And... My dad coming from around the corner, quickly developing an "OH MY GOD!" look on his face, and immediately disappearing.

Most tragedies are best illustrated in pictures... As they will be here. (No... no... no... I don't mean that.) Below is my first grade picture, taken about 10 months before the horror.

Notice the innocent look on my face... The trusting eyes. Notice the easy, carefree smile. Is this a normal and well-adjusted little man? Oh yes. Yes he is.

Now look at my second grade picture, about 2 months after my surgery.

Notice the vacant stare. Notice the forced smile. The picture reveals disillusionment and a new found cynicism. Even my hair is different, symbolically clipped and trimmed. This is a young man who trusts no one... Sadly, not even his parents.

Two years later I had knee surgery to repair a torn cartilage. Before going under the knife I had many long talks with my parents. I can assure you that details were discussed... And promises were made...

Hillary Creams Obama

It's just one win - and too late - for Mrs. Clinton... But by 41% ?!? Obama should get down on his knees... No, he should lie prostrate on the floor and thank God, or Allah, or whatever he actually worships... That West Virginia doesn't hold its primary in January.

And for all those Hillary voters in West Virginia I'd say this: If you want to have any influence on who your party nominates for the presidency... Move to Iowa.

I'm sure Obama sees the results from last night as the irrational ravings of uneducated, unsophisticated, Typical White People... But I don't think race is the issue... I don't think the Obomber is a weak candidate because he is half black.

Obama is weak because among his confidants he has a criminal, a racist, and a left-wing domestic terrorist... He's weak because he thinks it's uncool to wear an American Flag lapel pin... He's weak because this son a Muslim want to sit down and play knees-eeze with Muslim terrorists...

He's weak because he doesn't love his country in the same way as the young men and women who are lining up to die for her...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Nephews

This is me with two thirds of my nephews... My sister's boys.

Yes I know... I should never wear shorts.

The nephew on the left is now a lawyer... The younger one is a school teacher and has a talk-radio show.

My third nephew, my brother's boy, is an excellent golfer... Something I can respect.

Some day in the future I plan to be dead... And I hope my nephews remember me as the fun uncle... The attentive uncle... The good uncle...

Not the uncle in this picture... The one wishing their mother would come and get them... And for pity's sake take them away!

Friday, May 09, 2008

Operation Chaos... Next Phase?

"I'm contemplating a new phase of Operation Chaos: try to convince Republicans to cross over and vote for Senator McCain in November."
...Rush Limbaugh

I'll be hard to convince...

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Operation Chaos

Because of Rush Limbaugh's "Operation Chaos," I declared myself a Democrat today... And voted for Hillary Clinton.

I feel so dirty. I will drape cloth over my mirrors because I cannot abide my reflection. I am become sin. I am hideous. I will was my hands, but my hands will ne'er be clean again.

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!

Monday, May 05, 2008


Do you know the difference between a hurricane, a typhoon and a cyclone? Honolulu Community College Professor Richard Brill does.

The Caribbean Sea is the spawning ground for hurricanes in the Atlantic and eastern Pacific Oceans. They are called typhoons In the western Pacific and cyclones in the Indian Ocean, but the physics is the same.

A cyclone is any mass of air that spirals around a low pressure center. It is an organized collection of thunderstorms embedded in a swirling mass of air.

At the center of the spiral is the eye, a vertical tube of clear skies and calm winds; the more intense the storm, the smaller the eye.

Although the main upwards flow of air is around the eye, the entire air mass is unstable. Spiraling rows of thunderstorms with relatively clear areas between them extend outwards for up to two thousand miles from the center, gradually diminishing in intensity.