Santa Claus Found Dead

North Pole (AP) --According to sources close to the Claus family, Santa Nicholas Claus was found dead Thursday morning of what appeared to be a massive heart attack. An autopsy is scheduled for Friday afternoon in Fairbanks, Alaska.

While the death was unexpected, rumors of binge drinking and heavy pipe smoking had filtered out of the closely knit North Pole community for the better part of 2010. "We all could see his weight was up significantly and that he was growing despondent," said publicist Digger, the elf. "He hasn't been the same since the reindeer died of lungworm disease in the fall of 2009. And then last spring when Mrs. Claus ran off with Patch, the lead elf, Santa sort of kept to himself. It's just been a very sad year for the entire crew."

Due to the proximity of the Christmas Holiday, the United States Federal Government has pledged to deliver Santa's gifts to girls and boys across America. Parents can expect the gifts to arrive via the U.S. Postal Service some time in late June.

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