Thursday, March 09, 2006

Bachelor Tip for March

Yes, I've decided that as a public service I will give one tip to young bachelors each month. (Who better than I?) After all I've been on my own for a long long time and I've learned the ropes, mostly through trial and error. So here is my tip for March, sure to improve a bachelor's life and chances for survival into old age:

Install Funeral Lighting

Question: Is there anything more vain than a woman?
Answer: No, there is not.

Have you ever noticed how wonderful people look at a funeral home? Even the corpse looks like he is having a good day. This is done with lighting.

And here's the tip: Change all the light bulbs in your bathrooms (and any other room that has a mirror) with Sylvania Soft Pink bulbs. Women will love coming to your home... and not even realize why. They will go to the bathroom more often, too. These bulbs will take ten years off any face so they are even more effective on mature women.
And remember, you'll look better to her, too!

Test the tip: Place a new mirror in your living room along with the funeral lighting and see if you don't catch your girlfriend checking her hair more often and stealing looks at herself.

Benefit: You'll save money. Note this typical conversation...
You say, "Honey, would you like to go out for dinner and maybe a movie?"
She says, "Oh, why don't we just rent a movie and watch it at your place, and maybe order in pizza?"
Trust me. It really really works.

Will the funeral lighting make my date more confident and more likely to wear skimpy outfits when she visits me at my home?
Yes. Oh yes. But you must remember to use this bachelor tip only for good!

Bonus tip: If you have a swimsuit calendar (or worse) in your home, remove it before your lady-friend visits. This is also important if you have young boys, because you don't want them growing up thinking that women are objects. They need to find that out on their own.


Christina said...

Brilliant! Think about how this goes hand in hand with last months' tip on vacuuming as rarely as possible. With softer, dimmer lighting and the chosen female focused on looking at herself in the newly-installed living room mirror, all her attention will be focused on herself (or you, provided she can tear herself away from that beguiling creature in the mirror) and she will completely ignore the piles of crumbs, old pizza crusts and candy bar wrappers that have been so cleverly hidden (oh, I meant "cleaned") under the couch and lazy boy. Brilliant!

SkyePuppy said...


You have displayed one of those extraordinary qualities women possess: the ability to acquire seemingly random pieces of information and synthesize them into a beautifully unified whole.

Well done!

Oh, and well done to you, too, Chris.

Mary said...

Having your own blogger page is the definition of narcissism. And you are probably more vain than the worst of women!

For writing this post you should be beaten... and I would do it, but I have to go out and find me some of those pink light bulbs.

Malott said...

Go ahead and beat me.
Just don't mess up my hair.