Yes, I've decided that as a public service I will give one tip to young bachelors each month. (Who better than I?) After all I've been on my own for a long long time and I've learned the ropes, mostly through trial and error. So here is my tip for bachelors, sure to improve their lives and chances for survival into old age:
How to Shave
Young man, there are two ways to shave your face; My way, and the wrong way. So pay close attention.
It's of paramount importance to start with the right equipment:1) Shaving brushes are hard to find, so when you find them, buy two.
2) Williams Mug Shaving Soap has been around for a long time. Moses probably used Williams Mug Shaving Soap.
3) Any disposable razor will do. I get a box of 50 at Sam's Club for 20 dollars.
Instructions: Dampen wash cloth with very hot water and use it to moisten and soften whiskers on face and neck. Dampen shaving brush with hot water and brush the soap using a circular motion, creating a lather. Brush lather onto face and shave off. (no, the lather!)If you do this, your face will be as soft as a baby's butt. And is there anything women love more than a baby's butt? No, I couldn't think of anything either.
Q&A... Where the venerable Malott warmly responds to the questions of young men.
Stan asks: "Mr Malott, my mom bought me an electric razor. Isn't that just as good?"
Malott answers: Stan, you little bitch. Electric razors are for married men and losers that can't get a date.
Tom asks: "Mr Malott. I don't know what to do! Shaving with a razor irritates my skin!"
Malott answers: Well gee, Nancy... Why don't you take a break from shaving, grow a couple, and try again.
I hope this was helpful!
Next month: Avoiding Women with Long, Perfectly Manicured Nails.
....
12 comments:
Chris:
The pic of you shaving is just so adorable! I thought to myself "Why is such a nice, goodlooking person still single?"
Then, I read your Q&A part of the article.
Albeit an attempt at humor, it just...well, I think I now know how to advise you on not losing a date... :-D
Ugh...where to start. Williams is OK but tends to dry out quickly. Look for Van Der Hagen shave soap (in the "Glycerin" or "Deluxe" varieties): $2 at most of the same places you'd find Williams but it lathers soooo much easier and I think gives a better lather.
Yeah, decent shave brushes are hard to find, I'll grant you that. Most of the "natural bristle" (e.g. boar hair) brushes found in drug stores or grocery stores are terrible. Check out the Tweezerman shaving brush (most outlets carrying Tweezerman gizmos can order it) for $15 or the Crabtree & Evelyn "Best Badger" shave brush for $35. Otherwise hit the internet.
Disposable razors are typically made to a much lower quality standard than regular razors. How about a Vintage Gillette "Superspeed" razor or one of its clones. Razor blades--good razor blades--for them can be purchased in bulk for under $0.25 per blade!
Check out the traditional shaving subculture at websites like shavemyface(dot)com or badgerandblade(dot)com. And check my blog and youtube channel for help with shaving technique!
You look a bit confused in that picture...
I've missed the bachelor tips.
Tsofah,
Obviously I have offended. A good man would apologize.
:<
Mantic59,
You are profound, a genius, and a connoisseur in the art of shaving. I am humbled.
Christina,
Though I'll post most anything, I believe this B.T. illustrates how I was running out of ideas.
Malott:
Nope, not offended. Shocked? Surprised? yeah. Being from a military family, I know the terms. Just didn't expect that from you, ya know? :-)
My dad used to shave like that. It's one of the things I miss about him. :-/
At any rate...nope, not offended!
If you apologize to anyone, methinks it should be to someone a whole lot higher up than I. Oh, and women with a bit thinner skin..one of them COULD be your future wife, as you never know who reads these things!
Just giving you some good natured trouble, Malott! ;-D
Tsofah,
Giving me trouble may be one of your callings in life...
Hope to get to shock you again in the future... :)
I think I'm insulted. I'm going to go paint my fingernails and then whip someone's arse in tennis.
Grammy!
You get manicures and paint your nails? Do you get those glued-on things, too?
Don't they hamper your backhand?
No glue-ons. If I don't grow 'em, I don't paint 'em. Believe it or not, there is a very practical aspect to nail painting. If I don't have my nails painted, I treat my hands carelessly and get all sorts of hurties. If I paint them, I am more careful with my hands so that I don't mess up the manicure. So the next time you see a woman with painted nails, don't think of her as a vain, self-absorbed hissing witch. Just think of her as the practical type with respect for her extremities...probably Amish.
FYI...I do NOT dye my hair.
I forgot to weigh in on this.
Your mug is too small. My dad's mug was bigger in diameter, white with an Old Spice logo on it, kept on the bottom shelf of my parents' medicine cabinet. That's the proper shaving mug. Anything else is a cheap imitation.
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