Friday, July 06, 2007

Green Malott

As you know, the earth is heating up to record levels as global warming threatens to melt the ice caps, flood the lowlands, and incinerate us all!

I blame myself.

I've been trying to come up with some super ideas that might save the planet. After all... As mothers go, Mother Earth has been a good mother... A kind mother... Showering us with gentle rain... Blessing us with the warmth of sunshine... She treats all of her little children with sweetness and tender kindness, except when she sends hurricanes and tornadoes and is a total bitch.

Super Idea #1: In the wintertime, all public buildings shall be kept no warmer than 63.5 degrees F.

This will save energy and be great for the wool and textile industries. Why 63.5 degrees?
Why not?

Super idea #2: In the summertime, all public buildings shall be kept no cooler than 82 degrees F.

To compensate for the warmer temperatures, women will be allowed... Perhaps even encouraged... to wear tank tops to work. They also shall be allowed to wear shorts... Short shorts...Very very short... The kind that are so short that they show the little curve at the bottom of their buttocks's.
...I've lost my train of thought.

Super Idea #3: Wash dishes, bathe, and flush weekly. This three tiered guideline will save on water and be a bonanza for the deodorant, cologne, and air freshener industries.

Super Idea #4: Replace all street lamps with 60 watt bulbs. Here's an idea whose time has come!

Super Idea #5: Build a Disney World in each state. Less travel!

Super Idea #6: The Federal Government shall build thousands of stationary bikes hooked up to generators and hire illegal Mexicans to ride them. This program, nicknamed "Pedro Power" will get us off dirty carbon based fuels because Mexicans will do most anything for a buck.

Well that's all I have for now. It's a good start.

....
Posted by at

12 comments:

Tsofah said...

Malott:

OUCH!!!! According to your posts, I think you've become a bit sexist and biased. The equal rights of women to men would require men wearing speedos, and no shirt. Think of older, heavy women and men clad like this, and it's not so appealing. Trust me on that.

Oh yeah, I don't know what most Mexican's will do; but I do believe there is a limit. Besides, think of changing it to "Power Health Club", and people will pay YOU to ride those bikes!

Now, it's that a much better balance? (said the kindly older lady at the keyboard)

7/06/2007 4:17 PM
Malott said...

Thanks Delta. I'd forgotten about the health clubs!

7/06/2007 4:38 PM
Bekah said...

I've seen a few women in my wal-mart excursions that I would just as soon see excused from super idea #2, because the sight would cause me to be sick, posing a problem according to supder idea #3. However, applying Delta's equal rights idea to a select group of guys (not the husbands of the wal mart women...who are in equally bad shape) might be kind of fun! And if super idea #5 went forward, I'd finally get to go to Disney World! I'm all for it.

7/06/2007 4:56 PM
Mojo_Risin said...

Is there a way to combine the Power Health Club idea with the Wal-Mart husbands and wives? Can we force our flabby shoppers to pedal to provide energy for the rest? Or we could just liposuck and render their fat for heating oil

...Wait... I think I just screwed myself on that one.

7/06/2007 5:37 PM
Tsofah said...

Uh-oh! I just realized that I totally and completely didn't comment on the once a week toilet flushing and dish washing! UGH! Not to mention the "Saturday night baths" being instituted once again.

Wouldn't it be easier to just use disposable dishes and plastic ware; saving Fridays for eating on real dishes and washing them then?

Now, the flushing issue we just cannot deal with. Either we co-op to ride to an outhouse a mile down the road (odiforous to be sure); or just flush the john! (I'm for flushing myself! YOU can not flush, but know I'm NOT bringing you any of my BBQ or meatloaf or fried chicken cooked using a propane grill for heat!)

Btw, everyone is invited to join us in the city park with their weeks worth of trash this Saturday. We will be roasting hotdogs and marshmallows as we sing campfire songs and breathe in the greenhouse gases! (BYO gasmask, optional) :-)

7/06/2007 7:33 PM
Jacob said...

To compensate for the warmer temperatures, women will be allowed... Perhaps even encouraged... to wear tank tops to work. They also shall be allowed to wear shorts... Short shorts...Very very short... The kind that are so short that they show the little curve at the bottom of their buttocks's.
...I've lost my train of thought.

Trying to prove our heterosexuality, are we?

7/08/2007 11:20 PM
Tsofah said...

Jacob:

The subject is conserving energy and/or "going green". Malott put some humor into it. We have joined in.

Only someone on who is stuck on the subject of homosexuality would be able to tie this with being gay.

I can't speak for Malott, both most men automatically follow that train of thought. It's not a matter of proving anything. Unlike a lot of homosexuals, heterosexual men don't have to second guess their preferences or prove to themselves that they are not just following the newest campaign of the "socially conscious".

Malott is just fine being a heterosexual. He really doesn't have to prove it.

7/09/2007 2:53 PM
Jacob said...

Bwah! Delta likes Malott.

7/09/2007 10:35 PM
Jacob said...

As an add-on to your idea about Mexicans riding bicycles hooked up to the power grid, I'd like to suggest that fat people should be included. Then you solve the problem of obesity in the US as well.

7/10/2007 12:52 AM
Tsofah said...

Jacob:

I like Malott as a person who is a fellow-blogger. But, considering I'm happily married, I don't like him in the way you have jokingly (I hope?) implied.

I know Malott will be crushed to know that. Sorry, Malott. :-) LOL

7/10/2007 3:22 PM
Mojo_Risin said...

I may be wrong, but I think Jacob was insinuating that Malott is a blogger of fellows.

7/10/2007 3:30 PM
ChuckL said...

'Fraid I have to disagree with #5. The only green answer to Disneyworld and any other amusement park is total annihilation. Given the gravity of global warming - according to the alarmists - I ask myself what place an amusement park has in the scheme of things. My answer is always that it is a totally unnecessary global warming co2 contributor that deserves dismantling. Consequently, the next time you meet a real, live global warming alarmist, do not neglect to inquire about when they last took their family to an amusement park. Then ask how that contributed to decreasing their carbon footprint.

7/17/2007 9:38 AM

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)