Mid-Life Crisis
(This is not to be confused with a mid-wife crisis. I'm cool there.)
I'm getting divorced... Oh... Uh... OK... From my sister! I'm becoming a vegetarian... I'm giving up all meat except beef, chicken, and pork. I'm running off to Rio with an 18-year-old Puerto Rican girl named Loretta. I'm taking an on-line course in Eastern Religions from the American College of Metaphysical Theology. I'm getting an eyelid tuck and butt implants. I'm getting my left ear pierced and the nape of my neck tattooed. I'm finally going to get serious about male-enhancement. I'm buying a convertible, a boat, AND a motorcycle. I'm changing my name to Girth Testicula.
This mid-life malady thing keeps attacking me every few years... Restlessness and the Blues. So I figure I need to do something really pathetic and senseless to get it out of my system... Once and for all!
I'd write more, but I'm late for a meeting with my Self-Esteem and Life Path counsellor.
....
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23 comments:
Thank you for piercing your left ear and not your right. I depended on that signal in my post-high school college days to eliminate the guys who wouldn't possibly have any interest in me. Or in any other giris...
Skyepuppy,
And that is the exact reason I have chosen my left ear.
Sincerely,
Girth
Um, Malott? The name "Girth" is not a very manly name. You may be advertising for a friend of the same gender with that one... ;-/
Yuk
Ah, man, and if it were a mid-wife crisis, I could actually help you, since I'm semi-pro at this childbirth thing! I saw your sister this evening but did not ask her about the divorce...though I did wonder what she'd say. ;) I'm okay with most of this, but I'm vehemently opposed to the motorcycle. Any possibility that's a negotiable?
Tsofah,
No, I looked Girth up in the dictionary, and I believe it describes the fact that I am a "man in full."
Regards,
GT
Bekah,
Thanks for not mentioning the divorce to my sister. I think I embarrass her sometimes... I know she is much more concerned about my reputation and deportment than I am.
And the motorcycle is definitely negotiable, if you think it will make people like me more.
Yours,
Girth
Dear Girth - Couldn't you just ride a wild roller coaster ride somewhere? That's what my insane husband just did this weekend. It seemed to crush any other crazy ideas at least for now. In fact, he's still a bit glazed over...just the way I like him.
It's not really a matter of people liking you more...it's a matter of you being more alive. I've had too many friends have bad luck on the things so I've declared them of the devil. And I'd really like to keep you around, so please don't get one!!
Did you hear me yell hi when I went to the fair??
Dear Grammy,
I'm not as brave as your husband. Would a Tilt-O-Whirl work?
Bekah,
I was just going to buy one. I'd be too afraid of it to actually ride it.
And you might not want to run into me at the Fair... Though I haven't seen you since the wedding, I feel our blogging relationship entitles me to a 15 second full-body-contact hug... which might be embarrassing for you and even unpleasant if I should begin to drool.
With respect,
Girth
OHHH! Okay you can buy one. Just don't ever ride it. I'm okay with that.
WELL it's your lucky day that I have one more fair visit in my future!! I'm going thursday night and i'll be working at the sycamore tent from 6-8!! so you should come over, I'll give you a bottle of water and of course a hug because I love hugs! (Well there are a few people who are banned, but you're not one of them.)
Bekah,
You forgot to add: "Yet." That would finish off your last comment nicely.
Malott, I think my "life crisis" is one you can't compare...
And I talked about you on my blog today.
And Bekah
And Skyepuppy
And Janice
So there. ;-P :-)
Skyepup,
You know... It's hard enough for an old man to get a hug from a sweet young thing such as Miss Bekka-Bek. Now she will be on guard and will quite likely misunderstand my innocent... reasonably innocent- exuberance for the sick cravings of an old lecherous pig.
Now when I met you at the Crackerbarrel in Kokomo I hugged you... And I was respectful and did not 'cop a feel' or anything. Was I tempted? Perhaps. But you would have hit me.
Anyway... I hope you're proud.
Young Tsofi,
I left you a bit of encouragement on your blog page to combat your girlish worries...
Your blogging buddy,
G. Testicula
Bekah-Bek,
I loathe the Fair. I don't know where the Sycamore tent is, and searching for it would make me vulnerable to encountering people with which I would have to schmooze... which I loathe even more than the Fair.
But I will meet you some day... And I will grab you and hug you mercilessly... And with gusto! And if banishment ensues... Hey! You can't fire me!
Restraining Orders can be applied for at the Grant County Courthouse.
LOL okay well I don't want you to have to loathe anything, so you don't have to visit the fair. If I weren't such a chicken, I'd just stop by and say hi on my way through your fair city sometime. But I am a chicken through and through. So I always just yell from the car. People are probably starting to think I'm nuts.
And trust me, I wouldn't fire you. I could tell you stories of the fire-worthy people, and you are nowhere near like any of them.
Chris,
You couldn't have copped anything through my heavy wool coat...
And, yes, I would have hit you.
The only thing I'm going to "cop" to in insanity.
Malott: At least you didn't call me "Yodi" or something like that! Your encouragement is appreciated.
I don't like that Girth person nearly as much as Malott. ;-)
Menopausal Tsofah,
Malott never prayed for your hormone levels. I do. It's all I can think about.
Yours,
Girth Testicula
Girth:
NOT FAIR...THAT MADE ME LAUGH!!!! ;-D
(and my mouth hurt!)
And that's POST menopausal!
See, Malott would have gotten that right. My hormones need no prayers....hubby says so!
hee hee
Chris,
One little detail I noticed: I'd advise against running off to Rio with Loretta. Neither one of you speaks Portuguese.
Just helping out with the practical details that smooth out any crisis...
Skyepuppy,
We simply can't thank you enough. We've changed our plans and are going to Buenos Aires.
Adios, Amiga!
Girth and Loretta
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