Exclusive!
Malott Interviews God!

Malott: I've never interviewed anyone before in my life... Talk about starting at the top!

G_d: And I'm thrilled beyond words to contribute to such a clever and influential blog.

M: ... ... ... You're making fun of me a little now, aren't you?

G: Maybe a little. Did you expect me to be nicer? You know, what's good for you isn't always nice.

M: Uh... I've made up a list of questions. First of all... Heaven: Mountain chalet or beachfront bungalow?

G: Heaven will be full of surprises. Remember, you'll be coming from a world that is sorely limited by three dimensions and time. You've noticed that I'm not wearing a wrist watch? Time is peculiar to this created universe.

M: OK ... ... ... Are you right-handed or left-handed?

G: Ambidextrous. The vastness of my created universe is mere symbolism, in a sense. You can lie in your hammock at night, look up into the heavens and sense the hidden reality... You can look up and see the mirror image of your eternal soul. I've even placed stars to light your way. If you knew me, your temporary world would seemingly lack substance when compared to my more concrete, eternal realities...

M: You mentioned surprises. Is this... like Christmas?

G: Surprises and revelations. You'll learn about the incredible power in a child's prayer, and how the simplest faith melts my heart... How all the grand plans, schemes, and devices of the religious are helpless without the movement of my Spirit. And most of all you'll finally comprehend the magnificence of my Sacrifice... My Sacrifice that singularly transformed the Church into... My beautiful bride.

M: Sounds way cool. But will we eat?

G: Yes ... ... ... You will. And you'll see how every prayer, every frightened and modest witness, every act of kindness, charity, done in my name - all blend together like the notes of a symphony, moving hearts and changing lives.

M: Mm Hmm ... ... ... Aardvarks! What happened?!

G: As an American believer, and among the rich of the world, you'll learn why it is easier for a camel to pass through a needle's eye - than it is for you to enter Heaven. So proud and independent... So much wasted time spent gazing into the faces of your idols... It begs the very limits of the patience!

M: Jesus!

G: Yes?

M: I mean... But we're not necessarily doomed, right?

G: Your sins pale next to the greatness and glory of my Sacrifice... which saves you.

M: And we'll learn all this... like... through telepathy...?

G: And you'll learn a great deal about yourself... What might have been had you been more focused on me than yourself.... Why your life is what it is.

M: Ah, my wonderful life... Why I'm alone and childless? I'm not complaining, but I think I would have loved being married.

G: You would have loved it too much. For instance, can you tell me one time when you were "in love" that you weren't transformed into a distracted, lustful, blithering buffoon?

M: ... ... ... Uh, I can edit this... Right?

G: And when did you ever love me that much? Just once I'd like to hear you tell me that I am enough for you... And really mean it. But then, you've spent your whole life searching for things to love more than me. You've wandered through life feeding upon every passing illusion... All the while starving - for me. You made me a distant caretaker... I wanted a love affair.

M: ... ... ... Riiiiight... Let's move on to politics. Can you tell me who will win the presidency this fall?

G: Yes, I can.

M: ... ... ... Can you... elaborate?

G: It will be the person I've picked to further my purposes and my plan.

M: Do you think of yourself as an American?

G: ... ... ... No... Your country serves its purpose, much as Rome did. Please understand, your country has moved to marginalize me... When in truth, your country's efforts have marginalized - your country. At some point you'll appreciate the cost of doing so.

M: Well there are those of us in the American Church who are really concerned about certain political issues...

G: Have you prayed about them?

M: Of course I've prayed!

G: (smiles)

M: Well I have prayed.

G: No, you've faithfully fretted and wrung your hands.

M: ... ... ... Well! Why should I pray when I can worry?! Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha!

G: Something else you'll never fully appreciate until you're in Heaven... The utter impertinence of worry. Its dissonance in my ear will startle you.

M: Hmm ... ... ... Well! ... I've take up enough of your time! You have a universe to run!

G: It's alright... You wouldn't believe how well I multi-task.

M: Oh! I'd believe it!

G: No... You wouldn't...

M: Yes... Well... Thank you so much for your time. I can't thank you enough! ... ... ... And you know, I ... ... ... ... Uh... ... ... You know...

G: Yes?

M: ... ... ... You really are enough for me... It's just that I... I...

G: I know...

Disclaimer: The above is fiction and is intended IN NO WAY - to add to - or take away - from scripture.