Yes, I've decided that as a public service I will give one tip to young bachelors each month. (Who better than I?) After all I've been on my own for a long long time and I've learned the ropes, mostly through trial and error. So here is my tip for June.
Don't Buy the House She Wants Until After the Wedding!
As the song says, There is many a change in a young girl's heart... and it usually leaves the young man screwed.
Just as a random example, consider the plight of the poor bachelor who lives in the above house. The poor sap. The poor, pathetic, stupid sap. He bought the house the girl wanted before the wedding, and before the ink was dry on the mortgage, she announced that she needed time to think about it. It's been three years and she is evidently still thinking about it. In fact, while she was thinking, she met someone else and married him. How nice.
Well, she can think all she wants, but now the poor pathetic stupid sap (the PPSS, as we say in Greentown) has 1 and 1/2 more bathrooms than he needs, three extra bedrooms, and a house payment that consumes his once plentiful "mad money." Is he bitter? ...Only when he thinks about it.
Don't let this happen to you!!!!!
But Mr Malott, my girlfriend is so good, sweet, and loving that she would never leave me in such dire straights!
Oh grow up. Dealing with women is like dealing with used car salesmen. You are going to get bludgeoned regardless... but if you are shrewd, you can control the bleeding.
Mr Malott, you paint a frightening picture, but I still need a companion! Surely all women can't be blood sucking, mercenary spawns of Satan?
Actually, they can. But with patience and a great deal of discipline, some are salvageable. Still, if all you need is a companion, a Labrador Retriever is best. Your first night with her won't be as interesting, but after two years together, she will still love you.
There. I hope that was helpful and uplifting. Come back next month when I will discuss "Saying and Writing Things that Women Find Charming" ...my specialty!
7 comments:
Allow me to correct the gaffe I made at my own blog, because the correction fits here. To quote P&P, Lizzie's aunt ("ahnt" not "ant") said,
"Oh, take care, my love. That savors strongly of bitterness."
Of course, you admitted as much...
For the bachelors, Dave Ramsey (financial guy) on his radio show advises you not to buy the house until a year after the wedding.
This gives you time to adjust to the notion that she's a mercenary spawn of Satan, before you add the stress of a mortgage and house repair to the mix.
There is probably a little something in Pride and Predjudice that relates to all of life's little vicissitudes, but it takes a sharp mind like the Pupster's to make the connection.
Actually, for me the experience was worth the ensuing financial struggles, though I rarely admit it. I figure as long as I play the victim sparingly...
And thanks for adding valuable advice to my monthly tip with Ramsay's suggestion.
Malott, that hammock looks awfully familiar.
This tip is being forwarded to my young Chris. Being the tight fisted individual I taught him to be, this tip may save him more than money. Thanks for wearing your heart on your sleeve in the interest of public good.
AICS,
An amazing coincidence, to be sure.
Janice,
I'm here to serve my fellow man.
Now this is a tip I can use, not unlike the underwear tip my mom sent me.
Keep'em coming Chris, I can learn from others well intentioned mistakes.
Chris, out of Janice...
If I can prevent just one young man from becoming a poor, pathetic, stupid sap, my life in the blogosphere will not have been wasted.
I hope you find a woman with more character than you deserve... A woman who prays, preferably on her knees. A woman like that brings something to a marriage and parenthood that will take you a lifetime to fully understand and appreciate.
Take care, and don't neglect your underwear drawer.
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