The Last Post
June 10, 2031

by Emily Smith

In accordance with my great uncle's wishes I am writing the last post and closing out his blog. My Great Uncle Malott died last Monday at the age of 77 while chasing a rabbit from his garden. The modest funeral was attended by family members and scores of women who had recently realized the mistake they had made in rejecting my uncle's romantic overtures.

Though unappreciated and misunderstood throughout his life, I remember my Great Uncle Malott as the "smart and good looking one" in the family, though by the time of his death his ears had grown to the size of dinner plates. Though practically blind and using a walker, he still managed at this year's family Memorial Day barbecue to beat his nephews' sorry butts in croquet. What a man.

But he is dead now and I have things to do, so I need to crank this out quickly.

Yesterday in Washington President Juan Gonzales announced his support for making Spanish the official language of the Estados Unidos. Vice President Gutierrez and Secretary of Commerce Juanita Perez also spoke at the Garden del Roses ceremony. The President suggested that whites and other minorities should just "get over it" and learn espanol.

Across the Atlantic, the last European left Eurabia today, heading for Australia. Eurabian Prime Minister, Mohammed Hassunah hailed the event as the greatest in Eurabia since the burning of the Infidel's artwork outside the Louvre in 2015.

In Washington, the Supreme Court is expected to strike down the United States Constitution today for being "unconstitutional." In oral arguments proponents suggested that it was time to overturn the venerable old document since no one in Washington remembered what it said anyway. The Court hopes to make its ruling and then move on to formulating foreign policy and writing the Federal Budget for 2032.

The air was filled with rice and promises yesterday as the entire city of San Francisco got married. Since the Landmark Supreme Court "Anything Goes" Decision of 2012, many large groups of varying ages and species have taken their vows, but yesterday's nuptials were by far a record. The Episcopal Church hailed the event saying, "Marriage is such a quaint old tradition, and besides, this should really cut down on the adultery around here."

From his sick-bed in Berkeley California, Al Gore warned today that disaster will "arrive at any minute now" as Global Warming continues to threaten the world's climate. And with glaciers growing in the Arctic and cooler than normal temperatures spreading throughout the world, scientists continue to scramble for federal grants to study the cooling effects of Global Warming before it warms us into another Ice Age.

And finally, on a humorous note, during yesterday's Senate Judiciary Hearing, Senator Ted Kennedy's head was knocked off his shoulders when it was bumped by a careless intern. Kennedy, who died 10 years ago, is said to have remained silent after the incident, not wishing to comment. The Massachusetts Senator's corpse is expected to easily win re-election this fall.