Friday, June 09, 2006

The Last Post
June 10, 2031

by Emily Smith

In accordance with my great uncle's wishes I am writing the last post and closing out his blog. My Great Uncle Malott died last Monday at the age of 77 while chasing a rabbit from his garden. The modest funeral was attended by family members and scores of women who had recently realized the mistake they had made in rejecting my uncle's romantic overtures.

Though unappreciated and misunderstood throughout his life, I remember my Great Uncle Malott as the "smart and good looking one" in the family, though by the time of his death his ears had grown to the size of dinner plates. Though practically blind and using a walker, he still managed at this year's family Memorial Day barbecue to beat his nephews' sorry butts in croquet. What a man.

But he is dead now and I have things to do, so I need to crank this out quickly.

Yesterday in Washington President Juan Gonzales announced his support for making Spanish the official language of the Estados Unidos. Vice President Gutierrez and Secretary of Commerce Juanita Perez also spoke at the Garden del Roses ceremony. The President suggested that whites and other minorities should just "get over it" and learn espanol.

Across the Atlantic, the last European left Eurabia today, heading for Australia. Eurabian Prime Minister, Mohammed Hassunah hailed the event as the greatest in Eurabia since the burning of the Infidel's artwork outside the Louvre in 2015.

In Washington, the Supreme Court is expected to strike down the United States Constitution today for being "unconstitutional." In oral arguments proponents suggested that it was time to overturn the venerable old document since no one in Washington remembered what it said anyway. The Court hopes to make its ruling and then move on to formulating foreign policy and writing the Federal Budget for 2032.

The air was filled with rice and promises yesterday as the entire city of San Francisco got married. Since the Landmark Supreme Court "Anything Goes" Decision of 2012, many large groups of varying ages and species have taken their vows, but yesterday's nuptials were by far a record. The Episcopal Church hailed the event saying, "Marriage is such a quaint old tradition, and besides, this should really cut down on the adultery around here."

From his sick-bed in Berkeley California, Al Gore warned today that disaster will "arrive at any minute now" as Global Warming continues to threaten the world's climate. And with glaciers growing in the Arctic and cooler than normal temperatures spreading throughout the world, scientists continue to scramble for federal grants to study the cooling effects of Global Warming before it warms us into another Ice Age.

And finally, on a humorous note, during yesterday's Senate Judiciary Hearing, Senator Ted Kennedy's head was knocked off his shoulders when it was bumped by a careless intern. Kennedy, who died 10 years ago, is said to have remained silent after the incident, not wishing to comment. The Massachusetts Senator's corpse is expected to easily win re-election this fall.


Mary said...

One word.


(And I would trounce you in croquet.)

Christina said...

2031? You don't plan on sticking around any longer than that? Wimp!

I applaud you on sticking it to your smug young nephews in the matter of croquet. I of course, can't even begin to claim that I could, or ever will be able to beat you, but they will never admit defeat. Arrogant boys. However, I feel that Emily may be a contender...just a gut instinct.

Although the entire post was excellent, and probably far too prophetic, my favorite image was that of a headless Ted Kennedy giving his acceptance speech when he wins yet another re-elction. Priceless.

Malott said...


Thanks. Like many, I love my own sense of humor to a fault.

Oh, and you might very well [beat] me in croquet. You would [trounce] my athletically challenged nephews.


Dying at 77 is doing quite well when you're a single male. As you may have heard, bachelors die young.

And yes, Massachusetts would elect a corpse if it was named Kennedy.

SkyePuppy said...

So you had to chase the rabbit while using your walker? You're a real adventurer! No wonder the scores of women were so brokenhearted.

Malott said...


I kind of see myself filled with rage because I've seen a rabbit chewing up a broccoli plant, I drop my walker, start towards him, have a massive coronary, and end up face down in my onions.

Now THAT is a good way for a gardener to go.

All_I_Can_Stands said...


That post threw me for a minute until I saw the year 2031. My thoughts from reading "Last Post" until I realized what was going on would be very humorous for you I am sure. So you can enjoy the full benefit of this creative post here is my thought line as best I can recreate it:

- Oh No! First Nicky Goomba, Now Malott.
- Wait a minute, he's not 77!
- At least the picture he posted representing himself is not 77.
- Well, he could have been throwing us off
- Wait a minute. His dad is still alive. How old must he be.
- He doesn't think like an old man.
- Dinner plates? This whole family has the same odd sense of humor.
- Practically blind? How is he running his blog.
- Wait a minute! Oh, 2031. Duh.

Hope you enjoyed the details of taking me in. That whole process lasted about 10 seconds of hyper thought.

Funny and creative post. Love the part about Al Gore. And Ted Kennedy. As I have said, when Ted Kennedy goes science needs to study his liver to see how on earth it held up to such abuse. Might lead to a medical breakthrough.

Malott said...


Sorry my little glimpse into the future threw you for a moment. But I loved your comments, especially "This whole family has the same odd sense of humor."

If you only knew. I have a nephew that makes me look very normal.

Anyway, thanks for the great comments.

Bryan Alexander said...

Don't do that again!

Much like All I Can Stands, let me give you a rundown of my thoughts when I, too, read the words "The Last Post" and my brain skipped right past the date.

1. What, he's closing his blog? Why?
2. Wait a minute. He didn't write this; who's Emily Smith?
3. Her Great Uncle Malott died and he wanted Chris's blog closed. Why would he want this blog closed, and even if he did, why wouldn't Chris write this himself?
4. He died while chasing a rabbit from his garden? Must have had a heart attack. Chasing a rabbit from his garden? Chris is a gardener, too!
5. Scores of women had rejected this guy's romantic overtures? Chris is a bachelor, too. He mentions that all the time.
6. Wait a minute! Her great uncle is Chris! Chris is dead?! I can't believe it!
7. At least he was a Christian.
8. I really wanted to meet him someday.
9. He was 77 years old? No Way!
10. Well, I had never actually met him. Maybe he was 77. I had no idea he was that old.
11. His great niece is talking about his ears growing to the size of dinner plates? What a thing to say! I guess she knows that he would find that comment humorous.
12. Is this some kind of joke?
13. What a minute --- 2031.
14. Very funny --- I hope he knows he scared me to death.

Then I read the rest of your post, and it was very funny. But don't ever do that again.

religion of pieces said...

If there is one thing that Islam fears, it is soccer hooliganism. Soccer hooligans will save civilisation from the barbarians by being even more barbaric than the Muzzies.

"Here we go, here we go, here we go! Oi mullah wharareyou lookin at?


janice said...

Chris, this was the best post I've read in a long time. Excellent sense of humor and extremely creative, I loved it!

Malott said...


Sorry about that. Maybe it would have been better if I'd put the date on top.


The radical Muslim Clerics have to absolutely hate World Cup Soccer... it's losing control of the people... it's the people having a little too much joy in their dreary lives. Too much fun, not enough jihad.


Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

Anonymous said...

Some con of 1920's predicted that
Jews, Italians and poor masses of Eastern
Europe would turn this into a Communist
State and they cannot assimilate here.
Rudy becoming a President would have been
a sarcasm then. They would have thought
Pope would rule this nation.