Monday, April 23, 2007

Sheryl Crow's Toilet Issues

Every Earth Day we get a glimpse of the clear thinking, level-headed environmentalists and the ways they want to tell us how to live.

My favorite this year is Sheryl Crow, who said:

I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming... I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting... I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Thanks Sheryl. I don't know what your plumbing is like, but when most of us experience those "pesky occasions," 2 or 3 squares simply won't "cut the mustard" - as we say in Greentown.

(I hope she washes her hands.)
If saving 3 to 4 wads of T.P. per day (6 to 8 after Mexican Night) will save the planet - I'm all for it! But why stop there, Sheryl? Can't you just carry a rag in your purse and wash yourself at the sink?
Or perhaps Ms. Crow could make a leap back in time when the planet was more pristine and everything was "natural."
*Newsprint, paper catalogue pages in early US
*Hayballs, Scraper/gompf stick kept in container by the privy in the Middle Ages
*Discarded sheep's wool in the Viking Age, England
*Frayed end of an old anchor cable was used by sailing crews from Spain and Portugal *Medieval Europe- Straw, hay, grass, gompf stick
*Corn cobs, Sears Roebuck catalog, mussel shell, newspaper, leaves, sand- United States
*Water and your left hand, India
*Pages from a book, British Lords
*Coconut shells in early Hawaii
*Lace was used by French Royalty
*Public Restrooms in Ancient Rome- A sponge soaked in salt water, on the end of a stick
*The Wealthy in Ancient Rome-Wool and Rosewater
*French Royalty-lace, hemp
*Hemp & wool were used by the elite citizens of the world
*Defecating in the river was very common internationally
*Bidet, France
*Snow and Tundra Moss were used by early Eskimos
Wasn't this a fun post?


Jacob said...

I was disturbed by that 'solution' to global warming too.

One square? Not gonna happen, Sheryl.

All_I_Can_Stands said...

Can't you just carry a rag in your purse and wash yourself at the sink?

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that one. Hilarious.

Christina said...

Well Mr. Malott, thank you for the "laugh-out-loud post of the day".

My favorite line...."If saving 3-4 wads of T.P. per day (6 to 8 after Mexican Night)will save the planet...I'm all for it!"

You are in top form this fine day. Sheryl Crow, on the other hand, is an idiot.

Bekah said...

THIS is hilarious - and I desperately needed a laugh right now. Thank you so much!!

I don't think I'll ever think of her in quite the same light again...hope I don't have to see her hair color commercial too often.

SkyePuppy said...

Maybe Sheryl is just more...dainty than the rest of us. She is, after all, a superstar, and they're a breed apart.

Mojo_Risin said...

I love Sheryl Crow, and I want to hear this idea put to song. ;-)

Couldn't she have come up with a less-wacky idea to promote? There are all these great, easy ways to do good by the environment, but choosing this one out of the bunch just--ahem--flushes the rest of them down the toilet.

Maybe we should all just have a colonic every few hours, huh, Sheryl?