Friday, February 09, 2007

Trusted With Cats

Generally, my personal gravitas is on a par with "Uncle Billy" in It's a Wonderful Life. I am the Dan Quayle of my family. I'm the guy in the corner. The after-thought. After I'm dead for... Oh, about ten minutes - the people I love most will have to scratch their heads a bit and really concentrate to remember me.

But I'm trusted with cats.

A member of my family is going to Florida and has given me the responsibility to care for her barn cats. Oh, this person has a son and daughter who dwell just as close to her home as I do... But she has chosen me to feed and water her cats.

Ironically, I'm really not that big a fan of cats. (No, really!) And yet, I am the kitty-care-giver. I am the pussy-provider. I am the only person standing between these cats and certain death. I control their water. I am in possession of their food. Their 9 lives are in my hands. Will they survive my guardianship, or will they be found frozen and strewn across the yard... stiff and frosty?

And what about those medical experiments I've been formulating in my spare time? If I neglect my research opportunities will I be able to face myself in the mirror?

What shall I do?

My nephews are celebrated. My nieces are admired. My brother earns praise and my sister garners affection. My mother is self-sacrificing and my father is venerable.

I'm trusted with cats.


Bekah said...

Or MAYBE this is an opportunity for you to be won over by the cuddly purring attention of felines!! I know I know - allergic, right? But Benadryl has such power...and it would be so worth it!!

Even so - maybe Christina and I should do drive by checks to make sure there's not a yard full of dead cats....

janice said...

You're a better person than I am Chris. With offspring living just as close, and you're picked to do the dirty work?

I bet you won't even get a silly t-shirt or salt water taffy for your efforts.

Malott said...


I'll certainly consider your comment, but I feel morally obligated to proceed with the medical experiments.

Fleming, Pasteur, Jenner, Salk, Lister, Malott...

Maybe I could have a kitty-death-tally as a daily feature on my blog, - save you and Christina the trip.


It's always been like that. In my family picture albums there are hundreds of pictures of my brother and sister. Once in a while you'll see one with me in the background... when they hadn't shooed me away.

Werdna said...


I've disguised my name so my wife won't know I'm writing.

I wanted to suggest that, in order to avoid the inconvenience that an occasional drive by from Christina or Bekah might pose, you should just leave the rotting carcasses in the barn. That way they can't be seen from the road.

Malott said...


And a very clever disguise it is.

I was flirting with the idea of transparency, full disclosure... maybe nailing them by their tails to the front of the barn. I considered little "kitty-crucifixions", but that seemed sacrilegious, so I gave up on that idea.

Werdna said...

Ah, a man with guts. Something I can appreciate, but not identify with (witness the disguising of my name out of fear of Christina's - I mean my wife's - wrath).

Any chance there will be pictures on the blog of your experiments?

As I see it, you are kind of like a kitty-Kevorkian: you're just putting these foul creatures out of their misery.

Malott said...


Your idea is tempting, but the displaying of "kitty corpses" would run afoul of the tasteful standards we've established here at Malott's Blog.

Bekah said...

Well if you feel that you must continue with medical experiments, Kaegan still has a little of that vet-visit-inducing issue. I'd certainly be more than happy to let you experiment your way into the list of greats on him!

And now Christina and I will know from Werdna's suggestion(s) just where all we'll have to look for these poor little guys left at your mercy!!!