Bachelor Tip for February

Yes, I've decided that as a public service I will give one tip to young bachelors each month. (Who better than I?) After all I've been on my own for a long long time and I've learned the ropes, mostly through trial and error. So here is my tip for bachelors, sure to improve their lives and chances for survival into old age:

Avoid Hard Women

Young man, a woman's breast can be a hard place to rest your head. I know hard women can be very attractive and I too have been beguiled by their sassy independence and their competitive spirit. But a woman without softness is just a guy with estrogen.

Hard women never cry. They're not moved by poetry. They're not sentimental and are difficult to please. They have little tenderness and struggle with expressing their feelings. Any sensitivity they have is restricted to their own wants and feelings. And when it comes to gifts, it's definitely not the thought that counts. Their eyes are more likely to roam because they are never satisfied. Often they are divorced and bitter and say things like, "The next time I marry it will be for money."

But Mr. Malott, I'm in love with a hard woman. Surely after we're married she'll change.

You poor pathetic moron... She will change for the worse - You're seeing her best side now.

But Mr. Malott, surely there are hard women who are happily married!

Generally, no. Sometimes a hard woman, on her third marriage, will find a man with enough cash to satisfy her mercenary heart - and since money and possessions are all she has a heart for, she does what she needs to keep him... but only just enough to keep him.

I hope this was helpful!

Next month: Avoiding Women with Long, Perfectly Manicured Nails.