Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Green Poo and Spring

Well it's unseasonably warm in Indiana, and I got out my 25-year-old Troy-Bilt tiller... it started right up... and tilled about a third of my garden (it tilled beautifully to a powder). I planted Green Ice leaf lettuce (for wilted lettuce), two varieties of spinach, kale (my favorite green), a double row of Little Marvel Peas, and a patch of Collard greens.

My fingernails are filthy and I'm in Heaven.

If you've read my blog much, you know that I am very humble and not one to brag... But I am a fantastic gardener. No... I'm the perfect gardener... Well... ... ... Yes, perfect.

I'm so excited... So very pleased with myself. I love my garden. I may sleep there tonight.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Kentucky "One and Dones" Are Done
Kentucky freshmen Eric Bledsoe, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins could all be one-and-done players.
“I don’t think it’s the best way to go about things right now, to force kids who have no interest in being in college, to come to college for a year,” Georgetown coach John Thompson III said.
Kentucky Coach John Calipari of UMass Scandal Fame... and Memphis Scandal Fame... has the reputation of being dirty. And he is also known for recruiting basketball players that have no interest in a college education... The One and Dones who play the required one year of college ball and then jump to the NBA.
Kentucky basketball has a history of scandal, so Calipari is a perfect fit.
Bob Knight said of Calipari, "You see we've got a coach at Kentucky who put two schools on probation and he's still coaching. I really don't understand that."
Well tonight John Calipari and his "One and Dones" lost in the NCAA tournament and missed what was thought to be a sure trip to the Final Four in Indianapolis.
Butler, a small university in Indianapolis graduates over 80% of its basketball players, and beat Kansas State today to make it to the Final Four. Kentucky graduates less than 40% of its players and is headed home to Lexington. Occasionally there is justice.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Oh Canada...
You Suck

I've given this a great deal of serious thought, and I believe that when Canadian college students threaten the safety of Ann Coulter, it's time to close our northern border. Oh sure, let the truck through that carries Marie Callendar's Creamy Mushroom Chicken Pot Pie, but all other traffic must be turned back. It's the sensible thing to do.

It's time to deport Alex Trebek, Donald Sutherland, Jim Carrey, and William Shattner.

And I'll have regular bacon on my Egg McMuffin, thank you!


Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I still like Sandra Bullock better... And when Sandra and this woman, like me, are 56 years old, Sandra will probably still look cute in a bikini... Like me.

You just don't see pictures of older women covered in tatoos... Probably because it's really a disgusting sight.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quote for the Day

"God loves us just the way we are, but he loves us too much to leave us there."
--Wayne Shepherd


Friday, March 19, 2010

Retread for March

Today I proudly revive the Anus illustrations of 2007.

The comments were much more entertaining than the posts.

Restless Butt Syndrome

It begins innocently enough with an annoying twitching of the gluteus maximus muscles, disturbing sleep and making sitting for long periods of time an uncomfortable experience. Then the rectal cramping begins with its sharp pains and anal convulsions, leaving the victim dazed and asking, "Why me?"

Restless Butt Syndrome effects 1 in 27 and has no cure. Its crippling symptoms change each life it touches as a once reliable anus becomes a cruel taskmaster, a rectal Grand Inquisitor of tortuous pain and humiliating gyrations.

Unlike its distant cousin - the ruse that healthy people employ for attention, Restless Leg Syndrome - the heartbreak of RBS signals the end of a carefree life, the end of confidence, as in the end the disease consummates its horrid devices.

Shown above: human anus (artist's conception)

But, there is hope. Researchers worldwide are looking for a cure - a magic bullet - perhaps a suppository - that in the end will evacuate this terrible malady from our midst.

Thank you.

Anus Illustrations #2 and #3

The Incredible Hulk


Anus Illustrations #4 and #5

Siamese Twins

Tight Pants
Anus Illustrations #6 and #7

The Morning after Chi Chi's

The truth about rectal cancer
Anus Illustrations #8 and #9

Shark Attack

Holding in a suppository
Anus Illustrations #10 and #11

The Boss


I think I'm done now.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Our Nominee for 2012

First of all, I won't be discussing Sam Brownback, Ron Paul, or any other candidate that simply has no chance of getting the nomination... At least for now. They may have better ideas or may be the best people, but my two main concerns are acceptability and electability. If their names appear here, they are acceptable to a conservative such as me. Their electability will be discussed and graded on a 5 star scale.

Newt Gingrich **
No one is more articulate or capable as a proponent of conservatism. But he is not terribly likable and has character issues concerning divorce and a sick wife.

Mike Huckabee *
Can't warm up to the guy that was instrumental in securing the 2008 nomination for John McCain. I believe he may get the nomination, but America will not elect a folksy former Baptist minister to the presidency.

Bobby Jindal *
I suspect this is one competent dude. But until I'm convinced he can give a speech, I don't think he is electable.

Sarah Palin **
I love Governor Palin. Anytime a backwoods mom with a mediocre education rises to be the nation's most popular governor, it's reason to stand up and cheer. But I am yet to be convinced that she can be elected president. She has time to change minds, but the Left did a great job destroying her, and if she had been a stronger candidate, they wouldn't have succeeded.

Mitt Romney **
This was "My Guy" in the 2008 primaries. But he is Mormon, which is a problem for some of the base. And besides, if you don't have the charisma to beat John McCain and thwart Mike Huckabee... Can you beat Barack Obama?

Tim Pawlenty ***
Who? Pawlenty is a very likable conservative who was elected governor of Minnesota, a very blue state. He is "awe shucks" Lincolnesque. I'm not convinced that he can separate himself from the Republican Pack, but he may be the least lampoonable candidate in a nation-wide election.

The landscape will change dramatically in the next twelve months and I hope to do this again regularly.

And the future?

Paul Ryan *****
Conservative, Catholic... Imagine a smart JFK with morals.

Marco Rubio *****
Just tell me where to send my check.

Eric Cantor ****
Don't know enough about him, but from what I've seen...


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Democrats Rule

After laying the groundwork for a decisive vote this week on the Senate's health-care bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested Monday that she might attempt to pass the measure without having members vote on it.

Instead, Pelosi (D-Calif.) would rely on a procedural sleight of hand: The House would vote on a more popular package of fixes to the Senate bill; under the House rule for that vote, passage would signify that lawmakers "deem" the health-care bill to be passed.

The tactic -- known as a "self-executing rule" or a "deem and pass" -- has been commonly used, although never to pass legislation as momentous as the $875 billion health-care bill. It is one of three options that Pelosi said she is considering for a late-week House vote, but she added that she prefers it because it would politically protect lawmakers who are reluctant to publicly support the measure. (emphasis added)

When Democrats rule, there are no rules. Left-wingers and Socialists don't care about law or the Constitution... Or the wishes of the voters. Kim Jong-il, Hugo Chaves, Fidel Castro, Democrats, and other tyrannical leaders care only about power.

And we handed it to them.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Wicked Women I Work With

As a new feature on Malott's Blog, I will be presenting profiles of women I work with or have worked with in the past. I'll only do this when I have an accompanying picture.


The picture below is about ten years old. T.M. brought a camera with her on her last day at work. She put her arm around my waist and said, "We need our picture taken," held the camera at arm's length, and snapped this off.

T.M. was absolutely beautiful. She was stunning. And she liked me. She thought I was interesting. She knew I found her attractive, and one of her favorite things to do was to come up to me at work and press her body against mine until I became disoriented. It didn't take long.

You might think T.M. was a little crazy. But considering her family background, she was really quite the success story. When I knew her she had a young child, no husband, and parents that borrowed money from her.

I've only seen her a couple times since this picture was taken. But I do get an occasional phone call from her prospective employers. I was never her boss or supervisor but she still lists me as a reference. This is how I describe her over the phone: "T.M. is very smart... A quick study. She is a good worker. She is very capable and everyone liked her. I wish we had her back."

I miss T.M.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Quote for the Day

"Part of the undertow in the coming election is going to be President Obama's leadership, and the Republicans will make a case... a version of, 'Listen, he's a nice person, he's very articulate... but he couldn't sell watermelons on a highway with a state trooper flagging down traffic.'"
--Dan Rather... on Chris Matthew's "Hardball"


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Milk of Human Kindness

MARCH 8--A Kentucky woman is facing a felony assault charge for allegedly squirting breast milk into the face of a female jailer. After Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested last Thursday for public intoxication, she was transported to the Daviess County Detention Center in Owensboro. While there, Tramel was directed to change into a jail uniform. But the uncooperative suspect was "too intoxicated to complete the task on her own," so Officer Lula Brown sought to aid her. While in the jail's shower room, Brown told Tramel that she "needed to take her shirt and bra off" before changing into a green jail smock. That is when Tramel "took off her bra, grabbed her breast and squirted breast milk, hitting me in the face and neck region," reported Brown. Tramel attempted a second lactation assault, "but was unsuccessful," added Brown. Tramel is now being held in the Daviess County lockup on $5000 bond. As for Brown, a jail press release noted that the officer was successfully able to "clean the bio-hazard off her."

You know, there are many things a sensitive man such as I could say about this story, but I suppose what interests me most is the concept of using a loaded breast as a weapon. Could they be used in robberies? Who knows what I might willingly do if I had a breast held to my head.

And is there a new Olympic event here? Marksmanship. Style.

My imagination runneth over.


Saturday, March 06, 2010

Darlene Zschech - The Power Of Your Love

I'm Itching to Garden

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.
--Alfred, Lord Tennyson

But when you're my age you think about gardening.

However I must pause and say that a majority of my relationships found their beginning in the spring. It's just something about this time of year... Women seem to come out of the woodwork... Bathed, perfumed, and ready to rut.

But I'll be busy making furrows in the soil and tenderly placing young onion plants into its moist darkness. I'll be on my knees making rows of greens... Spinach, collards, and kale. I'll lovingly plant wide rows of peas, a patch of garlic, and about 6 feet of leaf lettuce.

The rest of my garden will wait till May, but somehow my spring garden is my favorite... My love.

As a very wise poet once wrote:

I'll keep an eye out down the lane this spring
for some seasoned lass a'strolling,
whose fertile valley needs tending
Still, I'm itching to garden.
--Alfred, Lord Malott


Friday, March 05, 2010

Finding Doreen

Chapter 2: Her Life is Better Than Mine

I still get an occasional email from Doreen, my college girlfriend, though she still won't be my Facebook Friend. The girl obviously has her standards.

I've learned that Doreen has had a more interesting life than I have had. A better life. She sent me the picture below, showing her vacationing at Myrtle Beach with Roberts Blossom, the scary neighbor in Home Alone, and Joan Allen, the star of Face Off and The Bourne Supremacy.

Wait... Maybe that's her dad and her sister. Not sure.

And no, I don't have permission to post this picture. Nor will I seek it.

Thirty-five years ago Doreen was securely under my thumb. I was the big Cahuna in her life. Numero Uno. The Man. The Big Cheese. Now, she is more travelled than I. She has a better job than I. And she has certainly kept her looks better than I have.

Wait, I'm not done whining.

Doreen has two great looking, smart, and talented kids. She has a husband who works with special needs children... A freaking Saint. (Swell.) He's the very same guy that poisoned her mind and stole her away from me. Did I tell you that she has a better job than I do? I helped this girl get through freshman chemistry!

Today I'll drive my octogenarian parents to Sam's Club, which will be the highlight of my day. Well... No it won't... I just remembered, I'm going to the dentist, too.


Thursday, March 04, 2010

Why My Life Is Better Than Yours
Reason #4

Every day, people I barely know stop me on the street and ask me... They say, "Malott, your life is obviously better than mine. Can you tell me why?" Usually I just push them out of my way, especially if they're old, female, and feeble.

But there are times when I take a moment and try to pass on a tiny bit of perfection to those less worthy.

This is one of those times.

Reason #4: I make the best Hash Brown Casserole on Planet Earth.

I have faults. No, really. But I've never been accused of bragging about my cooking. When someone cooks as well as I do and brags about it... Well... It's just vulgar.

Try to concentrate.

In a medium casserole dish, at least three inches deep, put in a handful of thawed hash browns. Cover them with a layer of shredded mild cheddar and diced onions and mix. Then shlop in a big spoonful of sour cream and gently press the sour cream into the dry stuff. Then take a thick slice of real butter, cut it in half, and place it on top. Dash with salt. Repeat until layers reach the top of the casserole dish.
Bake at 350 until it's done (hot and bubbly, maybe 45 min.)

I would give you measurements, but measuring is sooooo pedestrian and frankly beneath me. I can tell you the mistake most stupid people would probably make is using too little cheese and onions. Salt should not exceed 1/2 teaspoon.

I hope this dish brings a moment of sunlight to your dark little world. I hope it adds a scintilla of joy to your meager and pointless lives.


Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Quote for the Day

"To say that homosexuality is not sin as long as it's monogamous, is like saying that alcoholism is not wrong as long as you just drink one brand."
--James McDonald


Monday, March 01, 2010

Family Values

One of my podcast sermon preachers, James McDonald, has a sign in his home with a list of guidelines for his family. It goes like this:

1) Love God

2) Family First (loyalty)

3) Work Hard

4) Tell the Truth

5) Be Kind

What a great idea!